Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Due to my insecurities I remembered feeling like she was trying to tell me to stop being such a victim. I am sure that was not what she was doing, but it just caused me to compare myself to her in every way I could imagine. She had a master's degree and I had attended a couple of college classes. She was teaching college classes while I was working for a paycheck. She came from a distinguished family and mine seemed so dysfunctional. I just wanted to focus on all the reasons she had what I didn't. I wanted to excuse myself for not going after the things I wanted.
Truth is that I did feel like a victim. Maybe if my mom had encouraged me to attend school. If we had more money. If I didn't feel so bogged down with family issues. If I wasn't so afraid of debt. If I knew what I wanted to study. If I could have lived at home longer. I am sure I could come up with a lot more ifs. My mind just couldn't see a clear path to the things I wanted and maybe even felt like I deserved.
I am not sure what changed. Maybe if nothing else I just prayed to become more in control of my life, and to be able to go after the things I wanted. Since then I have gone back to school and have my master's degree. I have been able to chase some of my dreams and move to Hawaii. I have become a homeowner. I have nice things and great friends. while I am sure I will never be fully in control of my life, at least I don't feel that I have to react to my circumstances instead of setting goals and going after the things I want.
