Tiny Red Pill

I may just be a B12 Lifer. I am surprised by how great my results from B12 have been. I have been on it for about two weeks now and it is hard to imagine that those tiny red pills can have such a huge effect when you are deficient. There is a part of me that wanted to wait a few months before doing this post so I could be surer of the effects but I am just too excited about it to not write about it.

My energy has improved drastically. I went from sleeping 10-11 hours a night to only needing about 7 hours of sleep. This week I have been waking up between 4:00 and 5:00am and I just find myself not being able to sleep anymore. I also have had the energy and time to exercise in the morning which I haven't done for longer than I want to admit. I imagine that my stamina will continue to improve and perhaps I will be outside running again this summer.

My digestion has improved quite a bit and I am starting to add healthy foods back into my diet that I had taken out because they seemed too be too hard for me to digest like raw foods and fats. I have been weaning myself off my oxygen pills that I used to take every day for my digestion. It is just nice to know after all this time when I was told that there wasn't anything wrong with me, or I was making a big deal out of nothing, or that it was all just in my head that there really was something the matter with me. I am just glad to know that it wasn't some incurable infection or some rare disease.

My nerves are so much better. I don't have the tenseness I had before except for the tightness of my muscles which is due to me starting to exercise again. I am not dealing with the shortness of breath I had before where I couldn't seem to take full breaths without huge effort. My stomach muscles are able to relax when they used to be tensed up all of the time. I will also say that I am sure that there is no amount of yoga, talk therapy, anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants that would have eased my nerves. Without B12, my life would have been a constant battle to relax.

I am starting to get back into my studies again and find it less of a challenge to focus on my assignments. It is no longer overwhelming to think about memorizing information or finishing my classes. Today I should be done with my 14th and 15th classes and I will only have 5 more to go!

In some ways I feel like my body has been used for my own scientific experimentation. In a period of about 20 years none of my doctors could give me the answers I needed so I just felt like I had to keep trying new things until something worked. I mean something would eventually have to work right? To think about the thousands of dollars that have been spent on me for lab tests, my endoscopy, my liver ultrasound, prescriptions that did nothing for me or made me feel worse, supplements, detoxes, and just your basic doctor's visits gets really frustrating. When I think about how little most doctors seem to know about B12 I just want to shout it from the housetops. I am debating writing all of the doctors I had visited a letter just so they can help other people in my situation. I feel like it might be a little premature for that at this point but maybe after a month or two I can be sure this isn't just a placebo effect.

I have told so many people that they need to be taking it. At least six of my family members are taking it which is probably a good thing because I was reading that predominant groups in my family history like the Norwegians have a tendency to lack B12. This also probably helps explain my family's battle with anxiety. My mom told me that my grandfather used to be on B12 for his alcoholism which has pushed her and me to get my brother to start taking B12 as well. He has seen too many friends die young recently who had issues with alcohol and poor diets. I have also told two vegan friends that they need to be taking it. I am not so sure they have taken my advice quite yet but I will keep pushing them. One has chronic unexplained back pains that her doctors can't help her with and the other has chronic fatigue but they both like to tell me that they are fine and not in need of B12.

I have always believed in the power of nutrition and diet to help our bodies heal themselves and I had my doubts for a while when I couldn't figure out my problem but now I am back on the bandwagon more than ever. I have started to also take a women's multi-vitamin just in case there is some other vitamin I am deficient in that I don't know about and I am taking D3. I can't be sure that all of the positive results are from B12 but I would say that for the most part the answers I have found point to B12. Interesting how my health had to get so bad before the light bulb finally went off. Perhaps it isn't the cure for everyone but I am SO glad I have discovered it!

The Value of a Nutrient

I had a good lesson last week, one that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. The week started out with some decent fatigue and just an overall feeling of blah.  I went to work Tuesday and felt like I should get all I could done because there was a good chance that I was not going to be at work the next day. I was really confused by what was happening because I have been eating a lot of nutrient dense foods and I was supposed to feel healthy and have energy but the more time went on the worse I seemed to feel. My body seemed like it was shutting down.

Although I could have been coming down with something, it just didn't seem like that was what was going on. I felt anemic but I knew my iron couldn't be low because I was getting tons of leafy greens. My digestion was a mess and just seemed like it didn't have any energy to do any work. How could that be when I only ate healthy things? I thought about going to the doctor and I assumed that he was going to tell me that it was my liver again but he couldn't tell me why it was struggling. I just didn't want to waste the time or the money again.

The first two days off work were spent sleeping 10-11 hours a night and just lounging around my house watching mindless T.V. It started to get depressing and I started to feel anxious about going back to work or even looking at my school work. My anxiety got so bad that I didn't want to think about going back to work ever. I really had thoughts about quitting my job so I never had to go back. It was all so unlike me. My mind was also getting very cloudy. I had a hard time focusing for long periods of time and my brain would just feel tired, and like it didn't want to process any difficult calculations or think about anything complex.

I tried to do some yoga and deep breathing and I felt okay for a very temporary period of time and then I would be back to having a shortness of breath and feeling my body tense up. I drank chamomile tea and took valerian at night. Why did I have so much anxiety? There wasn't really anything new going on in my life. I was eating as well as I could. It all just felt hopeless. Life just seemed really pointless and I felt like I had nothing to contribute to it.

Then I remembered my post about the woman who touched the hem of Christ's robe. I felt like I had done everything I knew how to do to feel better. Did I not have enough faith to be healed? Was there some lesson I needed to learn? So I prayed for help and healing and faith. After I prayed I decided I was going to go to Whole Foods the next day and see what they had for anxiety because I was not interested in trying antidepressants again. As I was there looking around, I saw plenty of supplements and herbs for anxiety and I also saw vitamin B12 and how it is supposed to improve your mood and give you energy.

Then it finally hit me. I felt so stupid. I had cut down on my meat consumption about six months prior and I knew that I should have been taking B12 and D3 because those were two vitamins I could not get outside of animal sources. I had given up dairy about 15 years ago and meat was all I had left.

I went home and took both vitamins, ate a tuna steak and rested up a bit more. The next day I had energy for about half the day and the next day I had energy the whole day. My mood improved a lot, my digestion seemed to be functioning again and I no longer dreaded going back to work or studying.

Since then I have been learning a lot about B12. I would have gone to the Dr. to get tested for a deficiency but from what I have been reading the tests can sometimes be misleading and I knew the test would not be accurate because I had been taking my vitamins for a few days and it would be another few days before I got into the doctors office. I still need to learn a lot more about Vitamin D because I don't doubt it is also a vital nutrient.

I just can't believe what a noticeable difference I feel emotionally, physically and mentally all from a couple of tiny pills not to mention the steak, eggs and tuna I have consumed over the last five days. I hope to continue to feel better and better as I get more of these vitamins inside me. I am sure I will be singing their praises for many years to come.  If you would like to know more about the importance of vitamin B12 watch this video...

Trouble Me

I love this story from the New Testament...

"And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.

 And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?

 And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me.

 And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.

 And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace." (Luke 8:43–48).

I think that the reason I love it so much is that I feel like I can relate in so many ways. I often have a problem and I see it as my problem that I really want to overcome but I don't want to trouble anyone or make my problem suddenly someone else's problem. I am not sure why that was, perhaps I saw too many people not owning their problems and I didn't want to be like them. I can't think of a single incident that would have made me feel this way so I am not really sure. It could also be because most of my life I have felt like I didn't have anyone to rely on and I just got into a pattern of solving my own problems. The only thing I am sure of is that I hate to bother people, especially those who are very busy.

That is how I see the woman in this story. She knew that Christ was heavily sought after. It says that the multitude thronged him and were pressing him. She didn't want to be any trouble but deep down she really just wanted help.

This woman had done everything in her power to overcome her problem on her own. She spent all of her living on physicians and none of them could help her. She had been dealing with this problem for 12 years and I imagine she felt desperate. She had likely heard rumors of Jesus' power to heal and wanted to be healed. Perhaps she had devised a plan to get close enough to touch his garment or perhaps it was just done out of sheer desperation. In Matthew's version of this story it says that she said within herself, "If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole."

She had faith in Christ's power to heal. This set her apart from all the others who had pressed upon him. This faith allowed her to draw upon his power, and when she did, Christ took special notice of her. At first she almost seems to feel guilty, it says that she was trembling. It was as if she felt like she had stolen something from the Savior, and yet He was not angry with her. He comforted her and told her to go in peace.

As I have been thinking about my own stubbornness and how our problems can really bind us to others in love, the words of a 10,000 Maniacs song keeps going through my head...

Trouble, trouble me
Disturb me with all your cares and your worries
Trouble me
On the days when you feel spent

Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden
When my back is sturdy and strong?
Trouble me

Speak to me
Don't mislead me, the calm I feel means a storm is swelling
Speak to me
There's no telling where it starts or how it ends
Speak to me
Why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me?
Speak to me
When your silence is my greatest fear

Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden
When my back is sturdy and strong?
Speak to me

Let me
Have a look inside these eyes while I'm learning
Let me
Please don't hide them just because of tears
Let me
Send you off to sleep with a
There, there, now stop your turnin' and tossin'
Let me
Let me know where the hurt is and how to heal

Spare, spare me
Don't spare me anything

Trouble me, trouble me
Disturb me with all your cares and you worries
Speak to me
And let our words build a shelter from the storm
Let me
And lastly, let me know what I can mend

There's more, honestly, than my sweet friend, you can see
Trust is what I'm offering if you trouble me

Songwriters
Natalie Merchant; Dennis Drew

Are you Feeling Guilty?

I was walking back to my desk last week and my coworker who had just purchased a coke, was trying to hide it from me in his jacket as a joke. I told him that he didn't have to hide it or feel guilty.  He replied, "You ever notice how no one ever changes how they eat around you, they only feel guilty?"

I have been thinking about that a little bit the last few days. I don't eat healthy to make people feel guilty when they eat junk food around me. I don't give people a hard time about their diets. I feel like people give me a harder time about my diet.  Why is that? Is it because they feel guilty and they don't even want me to think about harassing them about what they eat, so they make a preemptive strike? Or is it that they cannot comprehend that someone would be happy without junk food?

I will give dietary advice only when it is asked for. I have learned not to push health on anyone. I just feel sad when people are struggling with health issues and they will not consider that their diets have anything to do with their health. I usually just sit in silence trying my best to ignore what to me is the elephant in the room. 

Where does guilt come from? It has to come from outside knowledge but if the guilty person felt like they were doing nothing wrong then they would never feel any guilt or at least they shouldn't. The only other option is for me to not eat healthy so I don't make others around me feel guilty and that just seems a little too messed up for me.  Sorry if I have made anyone feel guilty but I have to stick with the way I eat because I would feel miserable otherwise.

Eating healthy for me is a love story of sorts. It isn't always easy to love the things we should. I was talking with some friends about what I like to eat and I said I really liked Brussels sprouts. She started to gag and said that was the food she always hated growing up. She dreaded the days when she had to eat them for dinner. Sure, to people who are used to heavily salty, sugary or fatty foods, they aren't going to love them. To me they are like candy. If only all other areas of my life were like this. How would it be to love studying, to love exercise, to love righteous living, to love all of the things we know are good for us but they are also hard. Life would be a lot easier, that is for sure.

People just need to find other reasons to love healthy foods, like the fact that they are packed with nutrients, that you feel good after you eat them and that they can improve your overall health. It is like just falling in love with the hottest guy/girl you can find; they may look great but perhaps that is all they have to offer you. For me good health has much more to do with a much bigger picture that leads to long term happiness. I am very grateful that I have fallen in love with my veggies. It makes good health so much more enjoyable.

Temples

While I traveled to Arizona and attended a session at the Mesa AZ temple, I was trying to count all of the temples I have attended. I realized that I wanted to keep better track so I came up with a list. Here are the temples I have attended in the order as best as I can remember.

1. Chicago, IL
2. Provo, UT
3. St Paul, MN
4. Salt Lake City, UT
5. Vernal, UT
6. Nauvoo, IL
7. Mt Timpanogos, UT
8. Jordan River, UT
9. Bountiful, UT
10. Logan, UT
11. Manti, UT
12. Oakland, CA
13. Monticello, UT
14. St George, UT
15. Las Vegas, NV
16. Draper, UT
17. Oquirrh Mountain, UT
18. Laie, HI 
19. Mesa, AZ

Am I supposed to have a favorite? That is hard because some are my favorite on the outside and others are my favorite inside.  Based on the outside it would probably be Salt lake. Based on the inside it would probably have to be Nauvoo, or Mesa.  They were just more classic and timeless to me I guess. Now I have to think about what I want my 20th temple to be. Likely candidates are Ogden, Provo City Center, or Brigham City. Perhaps when life settles down I will get on this.

The temples I have been to but not actually been inside are these...

1. Portland, OR
2. San Diego, CA
3. Fresno, CA
4. Houston, TX
5. Brigham City, UT

Just glad I finally got that list together because as I get older I am sure my memory will fail me. ;)

Too Much Martha

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about the story of Martha and Mary from the New Testament. Sadly I see a little too much of Martha in me. It isn't that I have let myself go spiritually. I attend my church meetings do my visiting teaching and even make time for my institute class. I try to be the responsible one. I try to see that everything gets done on time. I get so focused on being efficient that I often fail to focus on what is most important like building relationships and making a difference in people's lives.

I can't say that I will ever be perfect at it but it is my latest focus. This means that I am going to have to slow down school and I probably will not finish my degree in my 6 month time frame but I am totally okay with that. This will allow me to enjoy my time in Phoenix and now I am going to Hawaii, yes again. :) It will also allow me to focus on my sister Cate and her family when they come to visit and not get so worked up about the things that I am not getting done while they are here and just be happier to be with them.

When I was back in Minnesota I saw how good both my mother and my sister Cate are at focusing on relationships as I found myself rushed to fit everything in a very tight schedule.  My dear friend Mandi is also a great example for me. She will bend over backwards for just about anyone. I am sure it pays off for her in many ways. She has a huge network of people who care deeply about her and will jump in at any time she needs support. It also comes with other benefits like the fact that one of her friends is going to let us stay at their time share for free when we go to Kauai.

I admit it is a little sad that after all of these years I need to remind myself that it is the people in our lives that matter the most. We just all get too busy in these hectic times to remember that. We'll see how it goes, but I guess that is what life is all about, making mistakes, then working to grow and change over and over and over again.

Be Not Afraid, Only Believe

Last Friday was "Evening with a General Authority" for me and all of my coworkers. Elder Jeffrey R Holland came to speak to us this year at our annual event. Although he came to speak specifically to Seminary and Institute teachers I think that his words apply to all of us.

A month or two before the event, Elder Holland asked us to submit questions for him. He said as he went through the questions he noticed a theme of fear and anxiety, for both the students and the teachers. He seemed surprised that fear was playing such a prominent role in the lives of so many who are taught over and over again to replace faith with fear.

He shared a story from President Hinckley's life. When president Hinckley left on his mission, his father gave him a note with five words that read, "Be not afraid only believe" Mark 5:36.

He went on to say that the church will prevail the victory has been declared. Everything in this world is dead or dying but the gospel will stand triumphant. Nothing is more sure in this world. Nothing is more of a power against anxiety. "Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my word shall not pass away." Mark 13:31 Then finally he quoted from the hymn, The Time is Far Spent, "Go forward, be faithful, the promise is sure. Go forward, be faithful, the promise is sure."