Captain of my Soul

Probably about 12 years ago a well-intentioned roommate gave me a Christmas gift. It was the framed poem Invictus.

Out of the night that covers me, 

      Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

      For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

      I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

      My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

      Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

      Finds and shall find me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 

      How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul. 

Due to my insecurities I remembered feeling like she was trying to tell me to stop being such a victim. I am sure that was not what she was doing, but it just caused me to compare myself to her in every way I could imagine. She had a master's degree and I had attended a couple of college classes. She was teaching college classes while I was working for a paycheck. She came from a distinguished family and mine seemed so dysfunctional. I just wanted to focus on all the reasons she had what I didn't. I wanted to excuse myself for not going after the things I wanted.

Truth is that I did feel like a victim. Maybe if my mom had encouraged me to attend school. If we had more money. If I didn't feel so bogged down with family issues. If I wasn't so afraid of debt. If I knew what I wanted to study. If I could have lived at home longer. I am sure I could come up with a lot more ifs. My mind just couldn't see a clear path to the things I wanted and maybe even felt like I deserved.

I am not sure what changed. Maybe if nothing else I just prayed to become more in control of my life, and to be able to go after the things I wanted. Since then I have gone back to school and have my master's degree. I have been able to chase some of my dreams and move to Hawaii. I have become a homeowner. I have nice things and great friends. while I am sure I will never be fully in control of my life, at least I don't feel that I have to react to my circumstances instead of setting goals and going after the things I want.

White Privilege

While I think that many aspects of the white privilege movement are unfounded and ambiguous, I do think that there is one area where whites generally have an advantage that is scientifically proven. How dare I suggest that you may ask? Well it is probably not what you think. It all comes down to vitamin D.

First let's talk about why vitamin D is so valuable. Vitamin D plays a role in many processes of our bodies. It helps our body absorb calcium and build strong bones. There is evidence that it helps prevent some forms of cancer. It activates the genes that release dopamine and serotonin in the brain. Studies show that it may be helpful in preventing autism, autoimmune disease, cancer, chronic pain, depression, diabetes, heart disease, allergies, hypertension, multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer's, digestive disorders, asthma, arthritis, kidney diseases, pregnancy problems and the list goes on and on.

Vitamin D is actually not a vitamin. It is a hormone that helps regulate many processes in our bodies.

Symptoms of a vitamin D deficiency include...

• chronic pain
• depression
• excessive sweating
• fatigue/weakness
• hair loss 
• impaired wound healing
• muscle pain
• painful or broken bones
• poor immune system

So what does any of this have to do with white privilege? Well 91% of people with darker skin are deficient in vitamin D. This is because their pigmentation requires more sunlight to produce the same amounts of vitamin D as a person with fairer skin. They can have Plasma 25-hydroxyvitamin D scores half of those of whites. This means that they are at a greater risk for all the diseases and symptoms listed above.

You may wonder if your doctor will tell you if you are low in vitamin D at your next physical exam. The answer is probably not. The reason is that these tests are expensive, not always accurate and usually not covered by your insurance. If you want the test you will have to ask for it and you may have to pay out of pocket for it. The test runs about $50-$60. Your other option is to just take it in supplement form anyway because studies show it will increase you lifespan and your quality of life.

How much should you take? It seems like there are many answers to this question but it seems that generally 2,000 IU for most adults. The elderly, pregnant women, those with darker skin and obese people require higher doses but it can become toxic if you take 10,000 IU daily on a regular basis.

If you haven't guessed vitamin D is my new favorite. I had a hard time with the ones that were oil based and calcium based but I found one that is rice based by Swanson and it seems to be working really well for me. :) And I realize that I have a lot of information here without a lot of source information, so please do your research and PLEASE take vitamin D and or spend more time outside in the sun if you aren't worried about melanoma.

In case you are curious these are my feelings on white privilege in America. Watch this video.

Update: I just got my lab results from the doctor's office and my vitamin D tested at 20.2. Normal range is 29-100. Since I tested that low, the doctor said that he would write me a prescription for it. Hopefully that will help make me normal. ;)

Love Takes Time

I don't really have the time I'd like to organize my thoughts and feelings about love this Valentine's Day but I enjoy the words of LDS Church leaders who help us understand love and how to have greater joy and happiness in our lives. I recently came across this talk by Marvin J. Ashton as I was preparing a talk for church and I thought if nothing else, I would at least have the time to share his message with you here.

I also have this tidbit from Moroni 7:45-48

45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

Happy V-day everybody!

Vengeance is Mine!

I guess I feel like I have partially written about this topic before here, but the scripture is on my mind again. It is on my mind because I was wronged by a friend recently who promised me their expensive sofa sectional. I am not one who just likes to take things from people without offering something in return, but it was still offered to me and I was planning to take them up on their offer. Then when I was trying to make plans to pick it up, I was told that it was sold to someone else and they were going to get a trip to Hawaii out of the deal.

I guess you could say I felt betrayed and confused. Now I was going to have to shell out $1000 to get my own sofa and chairs for my new home. When I pointed out to this person that they hadn't really been fair with me they responded with a couple of angry text messages about how it was all my fault and I had no right to be angry. Seemed a little passive aggressive and perhaps a little bi-polar. I just decided not to respond.

I had previously mentioned to a few of my friends that I was offered a free sectional and now I was going to have to go out and look for another option.  These loyal friends seemed to get more angry than I was about the situation. Honestly I don't like taking things from people without offering something in return because there is always an expectation that you owe them something, somehow whether it is money, loyalty or whatever your imagination can conger.

Well, it took four days but this person did finally apologize. They offered to take me couch shopping or I could hit them and either or both of those options were available to me. I was just grateful that they saw their error. I can't say I haven't made mistakes before. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I do not want to be a hypocrite. I have done stupid things in the past. So when they apologized, it took me a few days but I decided to forgive.

Well not my friends. They are still angry and they don't want to talk about, see or talk to this person. I on the other hand am over it. Sure the trust is gone and that will take time to rebuild, but I don't know what the point is in trying to punish this person.

One scripture tells me to let it go Mormon 8:20. Why does this scripture help me? It tells me that I can let go of revenge. It tells me that if there is any revenge necessary, He will take care of it. He will repay. When God says he will do something he will do something. I can just leave it in his very capable hands. He will also do the judging, because usually us mortals are terrible at it anyway.

The one thing I failed to tell this friend is, perhaps they should worry about making it right with God if they haven't done so already. I am over it. Now I just have to worry about getting my friends to let it go.

Praying with Stipulations

So I have been trying to decide if I should buy a town home and there have been some issues in the process that made me want to back out. It happened pretty fast and I was feeling a little anxious about it and wondering if I should go through with it. I fasted and went to the temple to pray about it. Mostly I was worried that it wouldn't be a good financial investment and that I would be safe there. I wanted Heavenly Father to tell me to back out if I was going to lose money on this deal in the end.

I wanted it to be easy, painless and without any problems. Looking back I wonder how many of my prayers come with stipulations. I remember once praying for humility and the thought flashed into my mind, "You're going to get in a car accident." I quickly clarified my prayer, "but just don't put me through a car accident. Anything to humble me but that." I believe it was within a week, I totaled my car.

While I was in the temple I was reading about Joseph Smith and the questions he prayed about. Then I thought about how much opposition he went through. I wondered what would have happened if he prayed, "Help me to know the truth, as long as it isn't hard, painful, stressful, humiliating, emotionally draining, or heart wrenching. Just help me and my family be comfortable, financially secure and full of joy all the time.

My sister was telling me about a christian radio station she was listening to many years ago and a guy calling in said, "We have to understand that if we pray for something like patience, faith or humility, we are going to have to pick up the other end of that stick. If we pray for patience we are probably going to have an experience that tests our patience. If we pray for greater faith we will likely have an experience that tries our faith. If we pray for humility, we will likely have a humbling experience."

I guess that is a part of faith. We have to say, help me gain these characteristics, or help me grow and not have it be based on feeling swell all the time. We just can't limit the Lord's blessings with our stipulations.

This isn't to say that painful experiences are always necessary for growth. The Lord has told us that any trials we endure shall be for our good (D&C 122) but I know that he doesn't needlessly throw a wrench in our lives for fun. We can always seek the Lord's blessings through obedience to his commandments.

This isn't to also say that we shouldn't pray about big decisions, but perhaps in our prayers we should be focused on spiritual growth and other blessings without limiting what the Lord is able to do with us based on our stipulations.

I know with the town home I owned previously it didn't turn out to be the best financial investment but it brought people into my life that were probably more important than an expanding bank account.

Blessed

I feel like I shouldn't let a Thanksgiving go by without saying what I am grateful for. I am grateful to God for his love, the plan he prepared and that he sent us his son. I am grateful for Jesus and the example and teacher he was. That he was obedient to the Father's plan and that He brought about the redemption of mankind.

I am grateful for good family that know me so well and support me in all my needs. I am grateful for their love and the relationships we have built throughout the years. I am grateful that they long to spend time with me when I am away and we always have a joyful reunion. I am grateful that I get to go and see them again for Christmas.

I am grateful for so many good friends that show their love to me over and over again. I am grateful for their support, that they care how I am doing and what is going on in my life. I am grateful for a wonderful roommate that is always on the go and loves to plan fun activities and drags me along to her fun much of the time.

I am grateful for a great house to live in, that I am close to my work and church. I am grateful for a good ward that I was lucky enough to move into the boundaries of. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and how it has changed me and made me a better person.

I am grateful for God given good food that nourishes my body and gives me strength and energy. I am grateful for good health and a capable body. I am grateful for my education and how it has allowed me to grow in my career. I am grateful to have found a job that is such a good fit for my skills and abilities and I am grateful that I am slowly starting to understand my job functions better.

I am grateful for good dance music and how it makes me move and dance. I am grateful for my roller-blades and that I have a park nearby with a great path to skate on.

I am grateful for vitamin D and how it improves my mood and helps me sleep deep. I am grateful for the things I have learned about health and how it has helped me better understand what is happening in my own body.

I am grateful that I was able to pick up and move to Hawaii and have fun adventures there and fun trips with good friends. My trip to France was amazing. I am so glad I took that opportunity. I am grateful that I was able to see what it was like to jump out of a plane this last year and despite signing an eight page waiver form, I was able to survive.

I am grateful for the winter holidays and how they give us something to look forward to, a break from work and time with family and friends.

This list probably could be more exhaustive but I am also grateful for a good nights sleep and I need to go get ready for that.

A Law Unto Itself

I was messaging a "friend" from Hawaii. Friend is in quotation marks because we have many differences and there is a huge gap between how we choose to live our lives. He was raised in a very strict and sheltered Christian home. When he got out on his own, he experimented with everything that was previously forbidden.

You can tell that there is a lot about his life that he can't reconcile.  His belief in God with his rebellious life. I have teased him about how he has Mormon envy and he agreed with me. He has at least two other LDS friends that I can tell he respects. I think he has a hard time understanding how a people can live their convictions despite their temptations and be happy about it. He can't seem to understand our dedication or our love for God.

As we were chatting, he went on and on and on about how happy he was in his sinful life (my words not his). I would add little comments about how I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I wanted the conversation to be over because, he seemed to think that his opinion was the only one that mattered. He was trying to convince me that I would be so happy and free if I just lived like he did. I interjected that I would remember what he said when I was standing before God to be judged of him. I just wanted him to see a different perspective.

How does he seem to be so happy about his life when the thought of it just makes me sick and sorry for him?

I thought about him at Institute class tonight when we were learning about the three degrees of glory and we read Doctrine and Covenants 88:34:35...

And again, verily I say unto you, that which is governed by law is also preserved by law and perfected and sanctified by the same.

That which breaketh a law, and abideth not by law, but seeketh to become a law unto itself, and willeth to abide in sin, and altogether abideth in sin, cannot be sanctified by law, neither by mercy, justice, nor judgment. Therefore, they must remain filthy still.

There is a lot there to ponder and I am not sure I can unpack it all right now. To me this scripture talks about how as we are governed by law, it sanctifies and perfects us. This with the aid of the atonement we are changed. If we do not allow the law to change us by living it, we will set our will as the law. Our desires rule over us. If we take our own path, we will not be changed or cleansed by following our own desires. We will not progress, grow or learn. Seems like such an awful state of being to me. In the mean time I will just feel sorry for all he doesn't see, when I am sure he feels exactly the same way about me.