The two top definitions of a victim are, "A person who suffers from an injurious action or agency." and "a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others or by some impersonal agency." There are some people who fit into the first category, who are clearly victims in a situation. The other group decide or perceive that they are victims. Both groups will have to figure out how long they want to hold on to the victim status. It could be for a few minutes or it could be the rest of their lives.
I have been thinking about what the victim card allows us to do and I have come up with the following list.
- It grants us an endless supply of self pity
- It paralyzes us with feelings of hopelessness
- It excuses us from changing our circumstance
- It allows us to blame everyone else for our circumstances
- It can leave you in a world of judgment and hate
- It excuses our mistakes, wrongdoing or bad behavior
- It drags the people down around you
- It feeds sadness and depression
- May keep us from turning to God for help
- Prevents the Atonement of Christ to work in our lives
- Blocks creative solutions, inspiration, and revelation
- It brings in hope for a brighter future that we can shape and change
- It allows us to focus our energies on how we can better the situation
- It allows us to turn to God, to turn the problems to our benefit
- It allows the enabling power of the Atonement into our lives
- It allows room for forgiveness
- Helps you to take personal responsibility for your actions
- Helps you to make positive changes in your life
- It empowers us and lets us leave hopelessness in the dust
- It allows us to focus on creative solutions, inspiration and revelation
All of this requires us to hold on to hope, believe in, and trust in God. I'll be the first to admit that this is not easy, and I struggle with it sometimes daily, but if it is God's plan for us to grow in faith then we have to see that this is all just a part of God's plan to test, try and increase our faith. I heard Sheri Dew speak this last week on the grace of God. She said, "We become preoccupied with ourselves as we try to ease our burdens by ourselves." There are may things that we can't do on our own, especially when the challenges seem insurmountable. We need God's help and to get that we have to turn to him.
I am not for a minute trying to say that when bad or sad things happen to us that we shouldn't take time to grieve, or step back to better understand the magnitude of the situation. I am saying that we can't give up all hope for our lives and end up in a continual downward spiral.
Over my last trip to Minnesota, me, Cate and my brother in law, Tyler were talking about my and Cate's childhood and we talked about some times where some less than perfect things happened. I will just say that I was not abused in any way shape or form. Tyler keeps on insisting that I need therapy, because of some of the things that I have lived through, I NEED therapy. I am just not sure if that is so I can dig up more childhood memories so I will have more things to blame my parents for and justify any bad decisions I have made in my life. I am not anti-therapy but there just comes a time when you say, this is what happened, try to understand why it happened, forgive if you can and move forward. It doesn't make the situation right or justified, it just allows you to move on. I just somehow feel better about leaning on God than I do on a therapist. Call me crazy if you'd like. ;)
You want a good example of some victims? Look no further than the Book of Mormon. Nephi continued to not play the victim (I have to think of Job in this arena too), while his brothers Laman and Lemuel were classic cases of victim card players over and over again. They complained continually, refused to turn to or trust in God, blamed everyone else for their situation, and refused to be grateful. I have heard it implied that their problem was that they murmured all the time. I think that their murmuring was really just a symptom of a bigger problem. Their problem was that they had labeled themselves victims from the beginning of their travels and they never let go of that status for the rest of their lives. They even poisoned their posterity with hatred for many generations because of it.
Nephi on the other hand lived through the same situation, endured the same trials and refused to label himself a victim. He refused over and over again to give up on God. He turned to God for answers, he had revelations, he was able to get the brass plates from Laban when his brothers gave up. He made a bow when his broke, even though he was not trained bow maker. He built a ship, when he was no ship maker. He did all of this and more because he trusted in God, while his brother's accomplished little, and would have died long before without Nephi or the revelations of their father.
Sadly and tragically, Nephi was later told by God to take his family and separate himself from his brothers and their families. There was just no reconciliation for them. I am sure this was painfully hard for Nephi but he had to be exhausted at the same time. At least I think he had the comfort of knowing that some of Laman and Lemuel's posterity would turn to the Lord at a future date. His brother's stubbornness would have tried the very most patient of all people. Finally the Lord said it was enough and it was better for Nephi and his family to leave them.
I want to make a list of the reason's I am not a victim so I am less likely to fall into the tendency to claim that hopeless status again and again in my life.
1. I accepted God's plan to come to this fallen world where I knew I would encounter problems, tests and many trials. I chose to come here to endure it all and to prove myself. I decided that I wanted to take on the challenge and do my very best to take it on. I have no one to blame but myself if I don't want to be here or deal with the challenges I face.
2. I am blessed to live in a free country, where I have agency and the ability to make choices for myself, to pursue happiness and to build a brighter future for myself. (see 2 Nephi 10:10-13)
3. God consecrates our affliction to our gain (see Nephi 2:2). There is no doubt in my mind that I will be wronged many times throughout my life, but God has told Joseph Smith and I believe it is true for me too that "all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." D&C 122:7. He has also said, "Vengeance is mine; I will repay" Romans 12:19. I have seen the justice and mercy of God again and again in my life.
4. God is better to us than we deserve. I have no right to feel entitled to anything more than he gives me (see Mosiah 2:19-25). I need to remember and be grateful for all the things that I do have going for me in my life, all the lessons I have learned and the ways I have grown in faith.
5. I am an adult with a good education and a good job that allows me freedom to make many decisions for myself. I am not a child who is forced to follow the directions of a parent or anyone else. I am not helpless.
The collection of these thoughts just reminds me of a poem I was given by an old roommate one year for Christmas. I don't doubt that she thought I needed the words in it to give me hope in my life.
Invictus by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
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