A Life with Conviction

So tonight I did something a little uncharacteristic for me, but sometimes I get tired of doing everything that is characteristic for me.  I heard that Matt Walsh the blogger was speaking down in Provo (because he has gotten the most support from Utah) a few months ago and I didn't know of anyone else who wanted to go so I just decided that I was going to go anyway and maybe I would hear of others going down later.  Well I didn't hear of any others and then even today I was thinking, "Do I really want to drive all the way down to Provo by myself to hear this guy regurgitate everything I have already read in his blog posts?"  I wondered if I could return the ticket and all that type of nonsense and then I just decided I was going to go because I usually enjoy what he has to say in his blog and I wanted to support him.

Well I went and I was not disappointed.  I even saw and sat by another girl from my ward and her friends.  He said that we all paid for this and we could have gone to opening night of The Ninja Turtles instead, so he better make it worth our time and money. As I was listening to him talk, I was thinking, "Why am I enjoying this so much?"  He is obviously funny but that wasn't the only reason and the more I thought about it the more I realized that it is because he lives by and stands up for his convictions.  He finds meaning and purpose to his life and that was a stark contrast to how I have been feeling lately.  Honestly I have been feeling pretty blah about life lately, little purpose, little direction, little meaning. 

He started out by giving three examples of when he didn't stand up for himself, his family or his beliefs.  He said one day in class he mentioned his 5 siblings and some kid in the back of the class said, "Sounds like your mother couldn't keep her legs together."  He just sat down and didn't say anything and the teacher after class even told him that he did the right thing by not saying anything but he didn't believe he did the right thing.  He said that he wished that he had punched the guy in the face or at least given the guy a warning to never talk that way about his mother ever again.

He also talked about how there was an abortion clinic right next to his school and if it was two feet closer to his school it would be on school property.  He said that his mother and sisters would often go to the clinic and pray outside for the girls that they wouldn't abort their babies.  He said one early morning when he was at football practice some of the kids on his team saw them and said, "Oh look the Jesus lovers are outside the clinic." Then they made reference to his sisters as being the strange ones in school.  Again he said and did nothing. 

And shoot... now I can't think of the third example.  I should have taken notes.  Hopefully I will think of it later.  I will update this post if I do.

These experiences ate away at him to the point that he couldn't live that way anymore and now I can see why he so boldly stands up for what he believes now. 

He talked about King Henry VIII that wanted to divorce his wife because she couldn't bare him a son.  The Catholic church said no.  He tried to get the Catholic Priest John Fisher to agree with his decision to start his own church so he could divorce his wife and he refused to agree and he stood his ground so firmly that King Henry had him beheaded.  He talked about how so many of us today are not capable of standing this firmly.  We not only compromise on one thing but we compromise our way out of many aspects of our faith and our religion so that we can be tolerant, accepted and liked by people.  I have recently been thinking about the quote that says it is better to be trusted than to be loved.  Too often we want acceptance and we will even compromise our integrity for it.

He said that with Mormons there is the stereotype that we believe in polygamy.  He said that the divorce rate is high in this world and he was talking to a guy that had been married and divorced four times.  He said that man practices polygamy.  He said that the divorce rate among Christians is lower than the average but it is even lower among Mormons.  He said not only do you not practice polygamy but you are practicing it the least of all people.  I thought that was rather clever. 

He spoke about how there is no passion in our world today and people aren't standing up for anything anymore.  He said he doesn't necessarily need to agree with someone but if they have a conviction then they need to be passionate about it.  He gave an example of an environmentalist, he said if someone is an environmentalist then they should go out and chain themselves to a tree instead of going into their air conditioned homes and talking on their cell phones. He said that in congress back in the day they would really duke out their arguments and now it makes the news and is frowned upon if anyone gets into a heated debate because they just want everyone to be moderate and get along instead of having strong feelings or opinions.

At the end of the night there was a Q and A session and some people asked him if he was sure he wasn't Mormon and if he had read the Book of Mormon.  He said that there was a Book of Mormon in his hotel room drawer and perhaps he would take it with him.  One lady at the end of the night said that she often feels like she is living in zombie land where people just want to talk about the weather and things that didn't really have much significance, instead of talking about things that have far reaching and eternal consequences.  He said that he was never one for small talk and at one point he thought about writing a book called Big Talk to address that issue.  He said that we get so trained to not talk about politics or religion but that is all he has ever wanted to talk about.

Another person asked what his thoughts were on dealing with a family member struggling with same sex attraction.  He talked about how if you have a certain compulsion like kleptomania and you want to steal all the time, he said no one ever calls you a thief until you actually steal something and yet with people who have an attraction to their same gender are labeled gay before they have ever acted on it.  He said that the suicide rate is really high in the gay population and he felt that a big reason for that was because when people are labeled as gay, they are told that is just the way you are and you can't change but in his mind that is the most hopeless thing you can tell someone in that situation.  Tell a person that they are stuck the way they are even if it makes them unhappy and they are not supposed to feel worse about that?  Take their hope away for a better life and what do they have left?  He said he would tell his family member that they should fight it and that there is hope for them. 

Bottom line incase you were wondering, I am glad I decided to go. I wish I could have remembered more.  I knew if I waited any longer to write this I would have forgotten more.  Here is my evidence that I saw him in the flesh...

The Happiness Project (part five)

Okay is it sad that the thing I am the happiest about right now is that I have FINALLY finished this book? 300 pages take a lot longer when you are taking notes the whole time.  I don't know why I can't be happy while I am reading some of these books on happiness.  I suppose it is because the happiness will come after I apply what I have learned and work to change my life.

In this last part Gretchen talks about pursuing things that make her happy.  Her interests have a lot to do with reading.  I can't say I am with her on that unless I am reading about something that really interests me.  Mine are probably more like dancing, rollerblading and hiking.  Well dancing that can happen every day in my living room if I like but I haven't gone blading once this summer and that is just NOT right.  I will have to remedy that soon.  Maybe next week. 

Gretchen then looked into mindfulness meditation and laughing out loud but she realized that the area that she wanted to work on most was using good manners.  She took the Newcastle Personality Assessor Test.  I took it too and my results are here. This test measures the following five things...

1. Extroversion: response to reward
2. Neuroticism: response to threat
3. Conscientiousness: response to inhibition (self-control, planning)
4. Agreeableness: regard for others
5. Openness to experience: breadth of mental associations

One thing that was an eye opener to her in studying this was that people with high neuroticism have strong negative reactions -fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, disgust and sadness which is very often directed at themselves.  This was a bit of an eye opener to me too because I just thought that neurotic people were just selfish and self centered.  I suppose this means that I should be extra nice to people like that because they are already being too hard on themselves in some cases.

Gretchen realized that law school had made her belligerent and argumentative so she wanted to work on this through having better manners in her interactions and conversations with others.  She came to realize that enthusiasm is a form of social courage.  It takes courage to show enthusiasm to others when they may squash your excitement.  It is much easier to be negative, and giving positive reviews requires humility, because you can't exercise your superiority.  Then Gretchen had a startling realization...

"Once I started trying to give positive reviews though, I began to understand how much happiness I took from the joyous ones in my life- and how much effort it must take for them to be consistently good tempered and positive. It is easy to be heavy; hard to be light.  We nonjoyous types suck energy and cheer from the joyous ones; we rely on them to buoy us with their good spirit and to cushion our agitation and anxiety.  At the same time, because of the dark element of human nature, we're sometimes provoked to try to shake the enthusiastic, cheery folk out of their fog of illusion- to make them see that the play was stupid, the money was wasted, the meeting was pointless.  Instead of shielding their joy, we blast it.  Why is this?  I have no idea but the impulse is there."

Gretchen decided to play the Pollyanna glad game for a week and try not to say anything negative.  She never made it through a day without saying something negative.  She learned that when peoples minds are unoccupied they tend to drift to anxious or angry thoughts.  Rumination leads to bad thoughts.  This just makes me think of Doctrine and Covenants 88:124.

Then she was down to her last month of happiness in December and even though she didn't have any scientific evidence that she was happier she knew that she was.  She was going to try to live all of her resolutions perfectly but she failed at that attempt, that doesn't mean she wasn't happier because she had made improvement.  In the moments when she wasn't happy she knew of several things she could do to make herself happier.  She said that the thing that helped her achieve the most happiness was having her resolutions chart.  The hardest part was always following through.  She discovered the difference between goals and resolutions.  She said you hit your goals but you keep your resolutions.  Resolutions change us, and they make us strive to be better people, happier people if we make the right resolutions.  I thought that was rather profound. 

In the end she gives suggestions for us all to do our own happiness projects.  I guess the thought of all of this isn't too new to me.  I have been making resolutions most of my life but I suppose that there is ALWAYS room for improvement, I just need to think more about the ways that I want to improve my life to make it happier.  I don't have any new happy books on the docket so I will have to figure that one out.  My sister tells me that I need to read, "Happiness is a Serious Problem" which was written by her favorite radio talk show host Dennis Prager, BUT they don't have it at the library, so I am going to have to figure something out. 

The Happiness Project (part four)

In Gretchen's next section she decides to find happiness through contemplating the heavens.  I was curious how she was going to accomplish this since she was not a religious person.  She started by learning about people who had overcome incredible tragedies and this at least made her more grateful for all the little things in her life that she took for granted.  She also went to rewrite her last will and testament with her husband.  This made her contemplate her life and all that she had. 

I have to admit that this subject of death has been on my mind too.  I got a call from my sister and she her husband had been trying to decide what they wanted to happen if they both died.  She told me that she would be leaving me their life insurance policy and their three children.  While the odds are so slim that anything would happen to both of them it is pretty sobering to think about how your life could change in an instant.  I could become a single mom of three kids.  How crazy would that be?  It is also nice to know that they trust me that much. 

Then she decided that she needed to find and then imitate a spiritual master.  She asked her blog readers who their spiritual masters were and they mentioned Jesus Christ, Zen teachers, Vincent Van Gough, Charles Darwin, Anne Lamott, Dr. Andrew Weil, Rabbi Wayne Dosick, Victor Frankl, St Paul, Dali Lama, Benjamin Franklin, Dan Savage, Henry David Thoreau, Mother Teresa, Gloria Steinem, and St Francis of Assisi.  One of her blog readers wrote, "Knowing what you admire in others is a wonderful mirror into your deepest yet unborn self."

This all made me think of who my spiritual mentors are.  I have quite a few if I think about it both in and out of my Mormon faith.  Top of the list has to be Christ and then so many of our prophets and my church leaders and institute teachers.  Then I also really admire Mother Teresa, Gandhi, John Newton, Greg Mortenson and so many others who work to make this world a better place through selfless service. Gretchen ended up picking St Therese of Lisieux as her spiritual mentor even though she isn't Catholic.  This Super Saint was a simple young nun who's diary was turned into a memoir called, "The Story of a Soul" after she died of tuberculosis at the age of 24.  Gretchen had purchased and read 17 books on her as she studied her life. 

It is pretty easy for me to see why we do this.  Why we need spiritual mentors.  I assume we all want to be better people (don't we?) and yet if we all wanted to be like God right now that would be too overwhelming and seem to unattainable.  It seems easier to see normal people born out of ordinary circumstances who were often propelled by their faith or there compassion or their trails to overcome life's challenges and overcome unprecedented odds.  They touch lives, change the world and leave a great and lasting mark on this world that will be remembered forever.  It makes me say, "If Mother Teresa can pick maggots out of leprous bodies on the streets of India then it shouldn't be so hard for me to smile and say hi to people I see on the street."

At the end of this particular chapter Gretchen says that some people choose not to be happy.  Say WHAT!?!  Yea, and after reading about it, I realized that I have made the choice (not always consciously) to not be happy.  It all just reiterates the fact that happiness is a choice (except in cases of depressed people) AND that being happy is a skill that can be learned, just like learning to play a musical instrument.  Here are the examples she gives of people who make the choice to not be happy.

• Some people think that there are more important things than happiness.  They think that fighting for social justice or some other issue should be their focus more than seeking their own happiness.  They may believe that it isn't fair for them to be happy if there are starving children in Africa.  
• Some equate happiness with a lack of Intellectual rigor, although science shows no link between the two. 
• Some think that it isn't cool to be happy.  They may equate happiness with goofiness and that is totally uncool.
• Some just don't want to expend the energy to be happy.  They know it takes work and they just don't think it is worth it.
• Some cultivate unhappiness to control others because without it they can not get pity or attention.
• Some believe that unhappiness = selflessness and happiness = unselfishness but Gretchen calls this thinking misguided and says that it requires more energy, discipline and generosity to be unfailingly happy and try help others be happy.  Happy people are self sufficient and act as a better cushion for others.  They often don't get credit for their work because happiness for them often seems effortless. Happy people are much more likely to help others, give to charity and volunteer.
• Some are superstitious about happiness.  They are afraid that if they admit happiness they will be tempting fate.  This is actually more common than you would think and is seen in nearly all cultures. 
• Some also feel that if they anticipate trouble and tragedy that they will somehow avoid it. In some cases this can work to your advantage and make you wear a seatbelt but in other cases unnecessary fears and worries can rob us of any happiness we might have.

Now I suppose I am going to have to ask myself, when I am not happy if I making the choice not to be happy?  Doesn't seem like it will be easy for me to admit that I have made a choice to be miserable but I can't argue with the truth I suppose.

My 10 Commandments

Okay, here is what I have come up with for my 10 commandments.  I reserve the right to change them as I see fit at a later time, but for now these are going to be my priorities.

1. Trust in God, keep his commandments, and stand up for truth -Trust in God's promises and seek his blessings.  Remember that life is a test and the only thing I can control is my own thoughts and actions. 
2. Live life with integrity -Do the right thing in every circumstance no matter how I feel or want to react. Learn to set personal feelings aside at appropriate times.
3. Strengthen relationships with family, friends and acquaintances -Make a consistent effort to reach out to others and have positive interactions.  
4. Live more, laugh more and love more -Bring more joy and happiness to my life and the lives of others.
5. Work to become a better me -Set goals for personal development mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially and physically.
6. Serve others -Seek out opportunities to serve others including church service.
7. Be grateful -Think more of the blessing that I do have instead of the ones I don't.
8. Give people the benefit of the doubt -Remember that judgment and punishment belong to God and they are burdens that I do not need to bare.
9. Be a safe haven for others -Provide a safe place for people to share their feelings without judgment or criticism, knowing that what they share will not be shared with others.   
10. Be kind to everyone including myself -Look to the Savior's example of how he treated others and follow that example. 

Okay so obviously I have my work cut out for me because I am far from perfect, but I am trying.  I know that I am going to make plenty of mistakes but hopefully these will come to mind when I need them and be a good reminder for me.  We'll see how it goes I guess.

The Happiness Project (part three)

It seems like I have had to push myself lately to finish this book, and I am probably only 2/3 through.  I guess it is a bit longer than I expected, but my feelings go along with what she says next.  It basically boils down to the fact that being happy takes work, whether it is learning what makes us happy or putting forth the energy to do the things that we know will make us happy.  We have to go through some unhappy things to become happier in the end.  We can't just expect to be happy all the time but our general level of happiness can improve over time.

In talking about fun she gives us three categories of fun.  Here they are...

Challenging fun-This type of fun is the most rewarding but it takes the most work.  For example if you like to throw parties you will have a lot of errands to run and preparations to make if you want to make it an awesome party and have a really great time.  This fun can also take us out of our comfort zone initially, but we do it because we seek happiness.
Accommodating fun- This is when we do things to support others.  Good examples would be family reunions where we are not necessarily doing what we want to do but working to make sure that other's have a good time.  We strengthen relationships and create memories but this too can take work.
Relaxing fun- This is when we just veg out on the couch at home and watch a good movie.  It takes little effort but doesn't reward us very much.

Of the 24 character strengths that lead to happiness the greatest by far is our ability to make and keep friends.  If you have 5 or more friends with whom you can discuss an important matter you are far more likely to describe yourself as very happy.  Over the last 20 years this number has dropped probably due to several factors including working more and moving more.  On the flip side this has caused family bonds to grow stronger.  People are happier when they are with other people and this is true of introverts as well.  One of the few things that people preferred doing alone was praying which she points out isn't really a solitary activity.  Having strong relationships lengthens life more than even quitting smoking.  It boosts immunity and cuts depression.  It also gives you a sense of identity and self esteem where you give and receive support, and interestingly your happiness is boosted more by providing support than receiving it. 

Gretchen decided that she was going to strengthen her relationships by doing the following...

• Keeping track of her friends birthdays and remembering them on their special day
• Helping others think big by offering words of enthusiasm and confidence.  Then she realized this cyclical cycle, one of the best ways to be happy is to make others happy AND one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.  Where does that ride ever end?  ;)
• Bring people together by planning parties, reunions or setting them up on blind dates
• Cut people slack
• Show up- 80% of success is just showing up
• Don't gossip

Gretchen also decided that she was going to work to create new friendships.  She decided that she would be most effective if she made a good first impression by smiling frequently, inviting others to join her conversation, creating a positive mood, starting conversations with people, looking accessible and warm, showing vulnerability, laughing at herself, showing a readiness to be pleased, following other's conversation leads and asking questions. 

Throughout her book she mentions her 10 commandments that she has for her life and it made me think that I should give some thought to what my life's 10 commandments should be hmmm..  where do I start?  I'll have to definitely give that some more thought.  Perhaps I will have them ready for my next post but here is what I have thought of so far...

1. Trust God and keep his commandments
2. Do the right thing in every circumstance
3. Leave judgment and punishment to God
4. Give people the benefit of the doubt
5. Strengthen relationships
6. Work to become a better me
7. Get out of myself and serve others
8. Be grateful for everything I have

Well I guess 8/10 is a good start.

Then she talks about the age old question, "Does money make you happy?" That answer all depends on a lot of things.  It depends on if you have gone without it or were desperate for it at times.  It depends on how much money you have compared to those around you.  It depends on what you choose to spend it on.  She doesn't argue with the saying that money doesn't buy happiness but she emphasizes that there are a lot of factors that determine how happy money can make us but money by itself will not make us happy. 

Okay that is all for now.  I am going to do my best to keep pushing through this book knowing that it will bless my life in the end.

Cameron-My Bus Buddy

I saw Cameron on the bus today.  He is so funny.  He got on the bus and he stood holding on to the pole looking towards the back where I was sitting.  I finally noticed him and I smiled and waved.  He gave me an awkward smile but kept standing there.  He finally sat down but kept looking back towards me and smiling.  I motioned for him to come to the back and join me and he looked confused at first and waved at me again, so I motioned more obviously for him to come back and he shook his head as if to say, "No way!" I was reading "The Happiness Project" but I kept noticing him looking at me and smiling.   Finally I decided if I was going to talk to him I was going to have to move by him. 

I sat behind him and he noticed right away.  I said, "I just wanted to come and say hi." He said, "I forgot your name."  I said, "It's Alicia and you are Cameron right?"  He nodded.  I asked him if he was headed to the store. He said that he was going to the Sprague Library.  I asked what he was going to be doing there and he said that he was going to go and learn about cross bows.  I asked him if he ever found Salt Lake Archery.  He said that he did and he even went in to talk to them.  I asked him if they were hiring and he said that they weren't.  Honestly the whole time he was so awkward and shy that I wondered if he wasn't used to talking to girls.  Ha ha!  I am probably twice his age.  I just think he is adorable. 

When he got up to get off the bus he said, "See ya Alicia!" Ahh...  It is too bad I can't just adopt him as my little brother.  I would probably spoil him, right after I got rid of that mullet of his. ;)  But if he is really attached to it I would let it stay.  After he left, I thought, "Shoot!  I should have gotten a picture." Hopefully someday we will be good enough friends for that.  Some people just makes me smile.

Have you Lost Your Laugh?

Well if so, you probably need to find it again because it could be a matter of life or death.  That is right.  Laughter science is telling us that you can lose 8 years of your life if you take it too seriously.  In the documentary "Laughology" by Albert Nerenberg he searches how to get his laugh back after some sad and traumatic events that had caused him to be too serious.  In this documentary he studies what is known about laughter through science and goes on a personal journey to get his laugh back. He meets a lot of interesting people on the way. 

We'll start out with some basic facts about laughter...

• Laughter is not learned from parents, it is simply a part of human nature
• Laughter is experienced in every culture
• Laughter bonds people together
• Laughter is one of the most contagious things in the world, and has the greatest impact on the brain
• Laughter is a social experience, people laugh 30 times more with other people than they do by themselves
• The laughter machine was invented in 1950 to play laugh tracks for sitcom shows because they knew that the laughter was contagious and it made viewers laugh more
• Laughter prevents heart disease, it is a form of fitness that boosts the immune system
• Laughter and humor are not synonymous
• Laughter has been around a lot longer than humor
• Laughter comes more frequently from joyfulness and playfulness than it comes from jokes
• Laughter isn't always a choice but sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to laugh

Albert starts his journey by seeing a laugh doctor.  His name was Dr. (yes he really did go to medical school) Madan Kataria.  He left his medical practice when he discovered that laughter was much more healing than traditional medicine.  He has popularized being to serious as a medical disorder. He believes that 80-90% of adults have this disorder.  He too lost his laugh when he went to medical school and wanted to make lots of money and found that his life wasn't easy.  He believes that people lose their laugh through mental and emotional stress. 

What they have found from a scientific perspective is that if you respond negatively to stress you can harden your arteries and head on the road to heart disease. Laughter on the other hand has the opposite effect on your arteries. 

Laughter has had many enemies in the past.  Plato hated it.  He feared the power of it and thought that it could overthrow the power and authority of the state.  In the eighteenth century in England there was a war against laughter.  It was believed that laughter lead to moral degradation.  It was rumored and believed that laughter could kill your children and damaged your teeth.  This is likely where the evil villain laugh was developed.  Come on give me your best villain laugh.  ;)  Children from a very young age are taught to stop laughing and be serious, as if laughter is the enemy.  Seriousness tries to make sure that laughter never comes back. 

Albert met with a group of professional laughers who were hired to create laugh tracks for sitcoms like "The Nanny" after there were security issues with live studio audiences.  These people discovered that they were more relaxed, more empathetic, and happier people.  Since the work has dried up with the popularity of reality TV, they haven't been very happy and some of them have had to go on anti depressants. 

He also met with some Inuit people on Lauffin Island who live in extremely cold and dark climate 6 months out of the year.  These people have developed laughing games, which they credit with helping their people survive. 

They looked into the life of Norman Cousins who was very involved in politics and had a very stressful job.  His body was in so much pain that the only way he could get any sleep was to watch episodes of Candid Camera and laugh until his body was relaxed enough to sleep.  He kept at this practice for 3 months and he completely healed himself of all of his ailments. 

Just as with happiness, laughter has two forms.  There is conditional laughter and unconditional laughter.  Conditional laughter may come from a good joke that we think is funny but unconditional laughter may start out as artificial but it can become real later.  This all makes me think of my sister Cate who laughs at everything.  Even the very stupidest of my jokes can have her on the floor laughing.  Even when her husband yells at her to stop laughing at jokes that aren't funny.  Then she seems to laugh even harder.  Sometimes I just think life would be funnier on whatever medication she is taking.  She loves life and she loves to have fun, and I love having her as my sister. 

They looked into laughter epidemics in Africa where the children would have laughing fits for days.  It started with one child until all the children were having laughing fits. This happened in Tanzania and Uganda.  They took the issue so seriously that they took their blood to check for a virus and they found nothing. The only thing that they could figure was that the laughter they were experiencing was a way to cope with the stress from the new school administrators who were very strict with them. 

There is a religious movement called Holey Laughter who believes that God has a sense of humor and he laughs through us.  The Pastor Rodney Howard Brown started in NY in 1989 and doesn't believe that religious groups should preach guilt and fear.  He encourages laughter in his congregations, a bit of a comedian you might say.  Not exactly my choice of worship but I certainly will not stop them.

In the summary of the film Albert finds his laugh again and he realizes that all it takes is for him to allow himself to laugh.  Too often we stop ourselves from laughing because we have been trained our whole lives to be serious.  He encourages us to use any  excuse we can to laugh because our bodies want and are trained to laugh.  He summarizes and says, your laugh can never be lost because it is something you are born with.  Laughter isn't ugly it's beautiful.  It isn't evil it is fun.  It won't kill you but it might save your laugh.  We are all built to get along, have fun and enjoy each other's company.

I hope you can find some good excuses to laugh because...