Trouble Me

I love this story from the New Testament...

"And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.

 And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?

 And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me.

 And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.

 And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace." (Luke 8:43–48).

I think that the reason I love it so much is that I feel like I can relate in so many ways. I often have a problem and I see it as my problem that I really want to overcome but I don't want to trouble anyone or make my problem suddenly someone else's problem. I am not sure why that was, perhaps I saw too many people not owning their problems and I didn't want to be like them. I can't think of a single incident that would have made me feel this way so I am not really sure. It could also be because most of my life I have felt like I didn't have anyone to rely on and I just got into a pattern of solving my own problems. The only thing I am sure of is that I hate to bother people, especially those who are very busy.

That is how I see the woman in this story. She knew that Christ was heavily sought after. It says that the multitude thronged him and were pressing him. She didn't want to be any trouble but deep down she really just wanted help.

This woman had done everything in her power to overcome her problem on her own. She spent all of her living on physicians and none of them could help her. She had been dealing with this problem for 12 years and I imagine she felt desperate. She had likely heard rumors of Jesus' power to heal and wanted to be healed. Perhaps she had devised a plan to get close enough to touch his garment or perhaps it was just done out of sheer desperation. In Matthew's version of this story it says that she said within herself, "If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole."

She had faith in Christ's power to heal. This set her apart from all the others who had pressed upon him. This faith allowed her to draw upon his power, and when she did, Christ took special notice of her. At first she almost seems to feel guilty, it says that she was trembling. It was as if she felt like she had stolen something from the Savior, and yet He was not angry with her. He comforted her and told her to go in peace.

As I have been thinking about my own stubbornness and how our problems can really bind us to others in love, the words of a 10,000 Maniacs song keeps going through my head...

Trouble, trouble me
Disturb me with all your cares and your worries
Trouble me
On the days when you feel spent

Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden
When my back is sturdy and strong?
Trouble me

Speak to me
Don't mislead me, the calm I feel means a storm is swelling
Speak to me
There's no telling where it starts or how it ends
Speak to me
Why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me?
Speak to me
When your silence is my greatest fear

Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden
When my back is sturdy and strong?
Speak to me

Let me
Have a look inside these eyes while I'm learning
Let me
Please don't hide them just because of tears
Let me
Send you off to sleep with a
There, there, now stop your turnin' and tossin'
Let me
Let me know where the hurt is and how to heal

Spare, spare me
Don't spare me anything

Trouble me, trouble me
Disturb me with all your cares and you worries
Speak to me
And let our words build a shelter from the storm
Let me
And lastly, let me know what I can mend

There's more, honestly, than my sweet friend, you can see
Trust is what I'm offering if you trouble me

Songwriters
Natalie Merchant; Dennis Drew

Are you Feeling Guilty?

I was walking back to my desk last week and my coworker who had just purchased a coke, was trying to hide it from me in his jacket as a joke. I told him that he didn't have to hide it or feel guilty.  He replied, "You ever notice how no one ever changes how they eat around you, they only feel guilty?"

I have been thinking about that a little bit the last few days. I don't eat healthy to make people feel guilty when they eat junk food around me. I don't give people a hard time about their diets. I feel like people give me a harder time about my diet.  Why is that? Is it because they feel guilty and they don't even want me to think about harassing them about what they eat, so they make a preemptive strike? Or is it that they cannot comprehend that someone would be happy without junk food?

I will give dietary advice only when it is asked for. I have learned not to push health on anyone. I just feel sad when people are struggling with health issues and they will not consider that their diets have anything to do with their health. I usually just sit in silence trying my best to ignore what to me is the elephant in the room. 

Where does guilt come from? It has to come from outside knowledge but if the guilty person felt like they were doing nothing wrong then they would never feel any guilt or at least they shouldn't. The only other option is for me to not eat healthy so I don't make others around me feel guilty and that just seems a little too messed up for me.  Sorry if I have made anyone feel guilty but I have to stick with the way I eat because I would feel miserable otherwise.

Eating healthy for me is a love story of sorts. It isn't always easy to love the things we should. I was talking with some friends about what I like to eat and I said I really liked Brussels sprouts. She started to gag and said that was the food she always hated growing up. She dreaded the days when she had to eat them for dinner. Sure, to people who are used to heavily salty, sugary or fatty foods, they aren't going to love them. To me they are like candy. If only all other areas of my life were like this. How would it be to love studying, to love exercise, to love righteous living, to love all of the things we know are good for us but they are also hard. Life would be a lot easier, that is for sure.

People just need to find other reasons to love healthy foods, like the fact that they are packed with nutrients, that you feel good after you eat them and that they can improve your overall health. It is like just falling in love with the hottest guy/girl you can find; they may look great but perhaps that is all they have to offer you. For me good health has much more to do with a much bigger picture that leads to long term happiness. I am very grateful that I have fallen in love with my veggies. It makes good health so much more enjoyable.

Temples

While I traveled to Arizona and attended a session at the Mesa AZ temple, I was trying to count all of the temples I have attended. I realized that I wanted to keep better track so I came up with a list. Here are the temples I have attended in the order as best as I can remember.

1. Chicago, IL
2. Provo, UT
3. St Paul, MN
4. Salt Lake City, UT
5. Vernal, UT
6. Nauvoo, IL
7. Mt Timpanogos, UT
8. Jordan River, UT
9. Bountiful, UT
10. Logan, UT
11. Manti, UT
12. Oakland, CA
13. Monticello, UT
14. St George, UT
15. Las Vegas, NV
16. Draper, UT
17. Oquirrh Mountain, UT
18. Laie, HI 
19. Mesa, AZ

Am I supposed to have a favorite? That is hard because some are my favorite on the outside and others are my favorite inside.  Based on the outside it would probably be Salt lake. Based on the inside it would probably have to be Nauvoo, or Mesa.  They were just more classic and timeless to me I guess. Now I have to think about what I want my 20th temple to be. Likely candidates are Ogden, Provo City Center, or Brigham City. Perhaps when life settles down I will get on this.

The temples I have been to but not actually been inside are these...

1. Portland, OR
2. San Diego, CA
3. Fresno, CA
4. Houston, TX
5. Brigham City, UT

Just glad I finally got that list together because as I get older I am sure my memory will fail me. ;)

Too Much Martha

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about the story of Martha and Mary from the New Testament. Sadly I see a little too much of Martha in me. It isn't that I have let myself go spiritually. I attend my church meetings do my visiting teaching and even make time for my institute class. I try to be the responsible one. I try to see that everything gets done on time. I get so focused on being efficient that I often fail to focus on what is most important like building relationships and making a difference in people's lives.

I can't say that I will ever be perfect at it but it is my latest focus. This means that I am going to have to slow down school and I probably will not finish my degree in my 6 month time frame but I am totally okay with that. This will allow me to enjoy my time in Phoenix and now I am going to Hawaii, yes again. :) It will also allow me to focus on my sister Cate and her family when they come to visit and not get so worked up about the things that I am not getting done while they are here and just be happier to be with them.

When I was back in Minnesota I saw how good both my mother and my sister Cate are at focusing on relationships as I found myself rushed to fit everything in a very tight schedule.  My dear friend Mandi is also a great example for me. She will bend over backwards for just about anyone. I am sure it pays off for her in many ways. She has a huge network of people who care deeply about her and will jump in at any time she needs support. It also comes with other benefits like the fact that one of her friends is going to let us stay at their time share for free when we go to Kauai.

I admit it is a little sad that after all of these years I need to remind myself that it is the people in our lives that matter the most. We just all get too busy in these hectic times to remember that. We'll see how it goes, but I guess that is what life is all about, making mistakes, then working to grow and change over and over and over again.

Be Not Afraid, Only Believe

Last Friday was "Evening with a General Authority" for me and all of my coworkers. Elder Jeffrey R Holland came to speak to us this year at our annual event. Although he came to speak specifically to Seminary and Institute teachers I think that his words apply to all of us.

A month or two before the event, Elder Holland asked us to submit questions for him. He said as he went through the questions he noticed a theme of fear and anxiety, for both the students and the teachers. He seemed surprised that fear was playing such a prominent role in the lives of so many who are taught over and over again to replace faith with fear.

He shared a story from President Hinckley's life. When president Hinckley left on his mission, his father gave him a note with five words that read, "Be not afraid only believe" Mark 5:36.

He went on to say that the church will prevail the victory has been declared. Everything in this world is dead or dying but the gospel will stand triumphant. Nothing is more sure in this world. Nothing is more of a power against anxiety. "Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my word shall not pass away." Mark 13:31 Then finally he quoted from the hymn, The Time is Far Spent, "Go forward, be faithful, the promise is sure. Go forward, be faithful, the promise is sure."

Is it Good or Bad?

My institute teacher shared this Chinese proverb that I have been thinking about a bit and I need to remind myself of it more...

A farmer and his son had a beloved stallion who helped the family earn a living. One day, the horse ran away and their neighbors exclaimed, “Your horse ran away, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

A few days later, the horse returned home, leading a few wild mares back to the farm as well. The neighbors shouted out, “Your horse has returned, and brought several horses home with him. What great luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

Later that week, the farmer’s son was trying to break one of the mares and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The villagers cried, “Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, recruiting all the able-bodied boys for the army. They did not take the farmer’s son, still recovering from his injury. Friends shouted, “Your boy is spared, what tremendous luck!” To which the farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

Sometimes we have a tendency to want to judge everything as it happens to us. In our limited view we ask, "Why is this happening to me?" or "Why is God doing this to me?" It is like when my mom reminds me that her cat has a pea brain and we need to be understanding when she doesn't seem to understand the world around her. It just doesn't make sense for us to get all worked up about things we have judged to be good or bad if we trust God. Even at the end of our lives I am sure there are going to be things that we don't understand. I like to believe that when this life is over we will see clearly why everything happed in our lives.

I can think of a couple of times when I was so frustrated that things didn't go my way. One example was when I finished beauty school I got a job 70 minutes from my home at the Aveda Spa. I couldn't find a place to live in that small town, so I ended up quitting the job before winter came. In the end I was glad I didn't find an apartment because it probably would have kept me from serving my mission. Because of many similar examples like this, when things fall into place in my life, I often feel like God has had his hand in it.

I also think about how poor we were growing up. I was always embarrassed about the clothes I wore, the holes in my socks, the car we drove and how cool I wasn't. Now I look back and think about how grateful it has made me for the things I have now. It has also made me work hard for the things that I have and not take them for granted.

The main question at hand is do we trust God and believe that he wants the best for us? If we believe this then we should be able to live in peace. This peace doesn't mean that everything will work out now, but it means that if we trust him, everything will work out in the end. I believe that this trust and our faith in him will be tested throughout our lives to great degrees. In the mean time, I'll just try to keep singing, "peace be still, peace be still."

Making the World a Better Place

Although it has been about a month, I keep thinking about something that was said in sacrament meeting in my mom's ward. The bishop got up to say a few words after the previous two speakers had spoken about doing service for others. He said that he was reading the parable of the talents in the New Testament and this time he was really surprised by how angry the Lord was at the man who did nothing with his talent. His reaction seemed to him stronger than warranted, so he just kept thinking about why the Lord was so angry.

The conclusion he finally reached was that the Lord wants us to make a difference in this world. That is what we are here for. We have been given this time on earth to grow and progress and make a difference. If we don't accomplish these things then our being here has no meaning for ourselves or for others.

Since I have been pondering his words, I have thought a lot about good old George Bailey from the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life". That movie always brings me to tears in the end. To see a man who thought his life didn't matter, to see a man who thought he was worth more dead than alive, to see a man who wanted a very different life from the one he had. We see that our thoughts can be very powerful and sometimes they can be very wrong. He had started to believe the words of Mr. Potter who's selfishness had great power to do a lot of destruction in the community.

Then in the end to see George realize that he not only mattered but that he had affected the lives of so many. He realized that he had been given the love of a wonderful family and to see that his life mattered to the whole community. He not only saw that he mattered to them but he saw that his friends and family would go to great lengths to help him out in his time of need. What had really changed in this story? George was able to see the real story and see the real truth, his life mattered and he did a great deal to make the world a better place.

One of the reasons I love that movie is that I feel like I can relate in so many ways. I want to be able to travel and see the world. I want to live in Hawaii, or at least somewhere sunny and warm. I want to be free from cares and responsibilities. I have a different plan for my life than God does and sometimes I wonder why he just can't see things my way.

Then I ask myself have I made a difference in the world? Well perhaps my life hasn't made as much of a difference as George Bailey's but I still wonder how I have made a difference. Has a talk I have given or a lesson at church made a difference to someone? Have I helped anyone to be a better person? How did my mission affect the lives of those I interacted with? How has my serving in church callings made a difference?  How have my friendships mattered to my friends? What about my family? How has my life mattered to them? How has my job affected the lives of seminary students around the world? Perhaps someday I will know and see what my life has meant. Too bad I can't be given George Bailey's gift and see what the world would be like if I was never born. Sometimes you just wonder.

In the mean time I will just be thinking of ways that I can make a difference in the lives of others. Like this man in this video...

Or thinking about the good people are doing all around me like moms...

I guess I will just have to continue to think about how I can leave my mark on this world in positive ways. :)