An Impression

I stumbled upon a documentary on PBS last night about Dorothea Lange. Sadly I haven't watched too many documentaries lately. I just saw this picture and I wanted to know more.

The interesting thing about the photo is that she almost didn't take it. She wanted to get somewhere and she passed up the camp where this woman was living. A thought or a voice in her head said, "Aren't you going to go visit that camp?" She said she instinctively turned her car around. She took seven or eight photos at the camp and sent the film to the state of California to be developed. She didn't make royalties off of this photo and came to believe that the photo belonged to the people.

Her interest was in documenting the human condition and wanted to be the conscience of Americans. She wanted to change the world through her work. Although she worked up to 20 hours a day operating her own portrait studio as she began to make her way in the world, she was more interested in real working people and documenting their struggles. She was able to document many important events in history. She lived though the great depression and was more interested in taking photos of breadlines than the work she was doing in her studio. She worked with her husband to document the dust bowl and the rush of many farmers to California. 

She also was hired by the US government to document the Japanese internment camps. They wanted her to take pictures showing the camps as lovely places but when they saw the photographs she took, she was fired immediately. She saw herself as an artist and wanted to document the things as they really were. For this reason she didn't want to bow to the demands of the government and didn't think artists should have to bow to the requirements of advertisers either.

She believed that people needed to learn to see. This from a woman who regularly saw her photos from black and white negatives. People needed to see more than just the face value of something. They needed to understand things on an emotional level as well. Sometimes her work would make her sick to her stomach. It was hard for her to see how troubled some people in the world were. I guess that means she was a woman with great empathy for people.

She had many struggles in her life. She had polio as a child and walked with a limp for the rest of her life. Her father abandoned her family when she was 12 years old. When she was a young woman she was set to travel the world with a friend, but as they were about to leave, they were pick-pocketed and lost all of the money they saved for their trip. She lived through the great depression. In the end she struggled with bleeding ulcers, post polio syndrome and finally died of esophageal cancer at the age of 70.

Did I mention she worked hard? Her photographs were taken in 30 states and at 63 she traveled the world with her husband to take more (hopefully this helped make up for the trip she missed in her youth). She made the trip when her doctor's didn't know if she would survive till the end of it.

At the end of her life she was asked to prepare an exhibition of her life's work in New York. She wanted everything to be perfect and it gave her a reason to sort through all of her negatives and keep fighting for her life. Make's me wonder what I would have to showcase for my life's work. She died three months before the exhibition and her last words were, "Isn't it a miracle? It comes at the right time."

Well what can I say except Dorothea has left an impression on me. Although we have our differences, I feel like I can relate to her in many ways. I know that I would rather have the capability of feeling and understanding deeply rather than feeling numb even when life is painful. I too want to see the world as it really is instead of perfectly posed portraiture. I guess that is why I enjoy and often choose documentaries over blockbusters. 

She has helped me to see more clearly that we all want freedom in our lives, but if we live our lives free of pain, heartache, rules, laws or restrictions, we would remain bound by own own ignorance and inexperience. 

Skydive 2017

I feel like I need to write about my skydiving experience before I forget some of the details. First of all I think I need to address why I decided to skydive. It isn't something that has been on my bucket list for many years, it is something I considered doing a month or two ago when the subject came up at work and Khetty our intern said she wanted to go before she had to head back to the Philippines.

Also, my 39th birthday last year was pretty pathetic. I had low expectations. I just moved to Hawaii two months prior and I didn't really have any friends here. I told myself that my 40th birthday would be better. I tried to guilt my sister Cate and her family into coming to visit, even though she is petrified of flying, but for many reasons that was not a possibility.

My friends Heather and Ester wanted to come and celebrate but Ester couldn't get out of work till the Boise Temple closes in May. Doors were closing everywhere for an exciting time and although I have made some good friends out here, I needed to do something epic for the big day. I don't think I would have done it alone although looking back at the experience I wonder why I can't just go and enjoy the beauties of this island without having company with me. I can not deny it is always good to have people to share experiences with. It also probably helped to have someone there to take my mind off what was about to happen.

If you ask Khetty she would admit that I had the best team to work with. John my tandem was very personable which is VERY important when you are putting your life in someone else's hands. He was also very experienced. He had been skydiving with his friends since he was 18 and he was now retired military. He showed me his parachute, how it was set to tandem and told me that even if he were to go unconscious his chute would still open. He asked me all about my job and kept me talking to take my mind off what was about to happen. He was also happy to answer any of my questions but didn't talk about anything that would freak me out. John was probably around six feet tall, perhaps a little taller which helped me to feel safe and also told me that he was strong enough to drag me out of the plane if he needed to. He also had to be strong enough to hold both of us steady as we exited the plane at 100 MPH.

My photographer was Alden. If he was taller than me it wasn't by much which may have been a good thing since his cameras were mounted to the top of his helmet. He had one for photographs and one for video both go pros. I was also glad that I wasn't strapped to him. Kind of a shame that I don't have any pictures of Alden, since he did such a great job.

The whole time, I think I was thinking that I just had to get on the plane because John would get me off the plane. I just didn't think about it and when I did, I just tried to joke about it so I didn't freak myself out.

Then I have to laugh at my own stupid jokes.

We got on the plane and straddled these long benches seated backwards, so we would be facing the right way to exit the plane out the back. First on last off. I was glad I was on almost last so I didn't have to watch too many people go off before me. You don't want to be last though because then you have to sit on the floor like Khetty. Her tandem and our two photographers were also without seats.

Khetty was the first one off the plane. I was glad I got to watch her go and that I wasn't first but I was also glad I wasn't last. I was off third behind the Asian girl seated next to me.

Before we got on the plane Khetty kept looking in the mirror to make sure she looked cute. I learned a few things with this experience, one is that it is almost impossible to look cute when you are skydiving. Your hair will not cooperate unless it is about a half inch long and your cheeks flap a lot in the wind. I never got used to all the wind in my face. Maybe I just need to go a few more times. ;) I kept trying to push the air down like in this next photo. If you use your imagination I am just doing a push-up on the clouds.

I am grateful my tandem had a helmet for two reasons, one is that it kept my braids from whacking him in the face and the other reason is that his crazy hair doesn't distract you from my crazy hair. John was also smart enough to tighten my goggles down to an uncomfortable level so they didn't come off in the descent and then he let me know as soon as I could take them off.

I also learned a few things about myself with this experience. I learned that I make a lot of faces for the camera, I say yes a lot, and if I just don't think about or dwell on scary things they don't bother me as much.

Don't You Quit

I was in the temple today and I am not sure why but Elder Holland's words came into my mind.

I was thinking back to a couple of times when I wanted to quit. Weeks after I started beauty school, I was in a car accident and I totaled my car. Not only was my car gone but I hit my face on the steering wheel and I had to go to the hospital in an ambulance to get checked out. Some days I wish I had pictures of my face but when I saw myself in the mirror at the hospital, I was horrified. I thought I looked like a battered woman and I didn't want anyone to see me. I had two black eyes and my face was all swollen.

The only solution I could see at the time was to quit school and get a job to make enough money to buy another car so I would have a way to get to school. I had no savings and was living paycheck to paycheck at the time. I was telling a friend that I was going to quit and she talked me into going back to school on the bus and finishing what I started. She had convinced me but I asked her if I could call her again if my doubts started to come back. She agreed and within a few hours I was on the phone with her again telling her all the reasons why it was better for me to drop out. Again she was firm that I could not quit. I went back and nine months later I graduated.

Looking back, I am so glad I finished what I started and not only that, it was probably a good thing I totaled my car because the bus was so much more economical and I could have never kept up with the cost of gas and insurance. There were some days while I was in school that I hoped that my customers would give me a tip so I would have money to buy lunch. I always had what I needed to get through school and that was all that really mattered.

Another time came to mind. When I reached my mission home in Austria, I met with my mission president and he informed me that the mission in Croatia was going to double the sisters it had. We were going from four to eight sisters in four weeks and I was going to become a trainer very early on in my time there. I didn't have the discussions memorized and I had spent a month visa waiting in Kentucky where I had little to no time to study my Croatian. I was terrified.

I remember saying these words in my prayer to Heavenly Father, "You and I both know I can't do this, but I don't want to be dishonorably released from my mission. Can you just break my arm or give me a good medical reason to be sent home?" Going home was going to be the easy way out of my problems even though I decided to go on a mission because I wanted to grow spiritually. The Lord reminded me that he did not tell me I had to serve a mission. The answer to my many prayers about serving a mission did not come until I had made my own decision about serving and I had presented all my reasons to him for why I should serve a mission.

Well I persevered again and I am so glad I did. I have had very memorable experiences on my mission that I will never forget. I could have gone home early and been ashamed of myself and always looked back on that time in my life with regret but I didn't and the Lord strengthened and blessed me for my sacrifices. I have many fond memories, I was able to build many cherished relationships and my family was no doubt blessed for my service. When I left on my mission I was the only active member and when I returned my mother and sister Cate started attending church again. My mission may have been a reason for my mom to go to church and give everyone updates on how I was doing.

Sometimes with my work here in Hawaii I have been so frustrated with my job that I have wanted to quit, I wanted to walk away from all the difficulties and seek refuge and therapy in my sister's basement for six months and leave all responsibility behind. Again though, I would have walked away feeling like a failure and as if I have not kept the commitments I made coming out here. I would leave feeling that my time was worthless and that I haven't had enough time to make meaningful changes.

We were doing Lead Like the Savior leadership training at work. We were watching a Q and A with Elder Bednar and he said something to the effect of, We were not sent here to fail. Heavenly Father does not want us to feel like we are alone in our troubles and trials. He wants us to turn to him for help so that we can overcome all of our trials and weaknesses with his help. If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31) We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us! (Philippians 4:13)

I need to remind myself that God did not send me out here to fail and I can definitely say that I feel that God lead me here. I guess that also means that I can have confidence in turning to him for help when things aren't going well.

I wonder how many other times in my life I would have been tempted to quit if I didn't remember the words of my friend Dawn insisting that I push through and finish school. It set a precedence for my life that I have never forgotten.

Thank you Elder Holland for your powerful reminder to push through with faith when times get tough because there are good things to come down the road even if they don't come in this life, the blessings will be ours if we remain faithful. We just need to take life one day at a time and do the best we can.

Third Time's a Charm

I am happy to say that I found a new place to live and I will be saving $500/month in rent. I live above the garage of a nice Chinese couple in a studio apartment. I have an amazing view of the temple, since I am now less than two blocks away from it. Yes, there have been roaches and yes there have been termites but it turns out there is no way to completely avoid them here in Hawaii. I just need to figure out what I should do with the money I am saving. Sky diving? Zip lining?  Traveling? Donating? Probably all of the above. :) If my promotion ever comes though at work, I will get a raise and more vacation time and really have a good time. Gotta live it up while I still can.

This Means War

I have always been an advocate of deep breathing. A part of the oxygenating process I failed to think about is about how successfully the heart can deliver oxygen to the rest of the body. I have tiny veins. Like super tiny. When I donate blood or get my blood taken at the doctor's office, I am often told that I have small veins. They have a hard time finding a vein to stick on my left arm so they need to use my right arm.

My dad, as I have mentioned had cardiovascular disease and suffered a few heart attacks and strokes. My mom has also been in the hospital for heart problems. Well I guess this should be no surprise because heart disease is the leading cause of death in America. This tells me I need to be more careful. Have been watching all the videos on high cholesterol on nutritionfacts.org and really surprised how much it affects our health and our quality of life.

 I went to get my blood checked today because I can get a $70 bonus at work if I complete a health assessment for the year.  I was curious how I was doing, so I was glad I had another reason to get it checked. I think it has always been around 200 which isn't really where I want to be, especially with my tiny veins.

Sure enough, it was at 204. This wasn't good news, but I am glad I know where it is and now my goal for 2017 will be to get it as low as I can. I will have it checked again at the end of 2017 and hope to see some big changes for my tiny veins.

It's a Wonderful Life

I wasn't really planning to write a Christmas post this year but I have too many thoughts swimming in my head. I am not sure why I like the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" so much. It always makes me ball my eyes out and takes me on a drama filled emotional roller coaster. I don't own it but I knew it was going to be on TV today. It just had to be. It is on every year around Christmas time. I checked the TV guide and sure enough it was on at 7 PM on channel 8.

I am not sure if I like it so much because I feel like I can relate to it or because of the message of the movie but I think it is probably everything about it. I think we can probably all relate to the fact that our lives haven't turned out the way we had planned and life presents us with difficult choices. We want to go and do big and important things and see the world and somehow our lives never go the way we planned. Sure at times maybe we can force things to go our way on our schedule, but we would have to abandon many other things that are important to us like our conscience and relationships with friends and family.

I was talking to a friend who was saying in a tone of reckless abandon, that he had to go out and experience life to the fullest because in the end his memories were all he could take with him. I asked him, "What if instead of having experiences in life, you were focused on building relationships?" I have heard it said that relationships are the only thing we take with us. Experiences in life no matter how exciting just seem so empty to me if they are void of the love that comes with loving relationships.

I have been promised that I will always have friends wherever I live. When I first moved here to Hawaii, I had few friends. It took several months but I have made some good friendships that I will always cherish and that I am so grateful for. They give life meaning, purpose and fulfillment.

I think of George Bailey and how all the experiences he sought to have in his life of traveling the world and going to college were taken away from him. I suppose he could have taken the selfish path and left the Building and Loan to fail, while he chased his own dreams. Mr. Potter would have taken over Bedford Falls and most of the people in the town would have had to live in his slums.

Through his decisions to do the right thing, he built strong relationships of trust and loyalty. Everyone in the town came love him and stood by his side when he was in trouble with the bank examiner. At the end of the movie his little brother who had gone to college and seen the world and become a war hero offered a toast to his brother. He said, "To my big brother George, the richest man in town." I will contend that George Bailey was the richest man in town, not because he went to college, had loads of cash, or saw the world. He was the richest man in town because he was surrounded by people who loved him. That love was established as he made many sacrifices to love and care for others.

I suppose this wouldn't really be a Christmas message if I didn't talk about the Savior. I also thought about how he is our truest and best friend. He is ready to stand beside us though all of life's challenges. He has lived his life for us and laid down his life for us so we can experience true joy in our lives. He deserves more than we can ever give him. Joy to the world, the Lord is come. Merry Christmas everyone!

Word of Wisdom Forever

So I deleted my last post about the bone broth diet. It didn't take long for me to feel sick trying that stuff out. I messaged a friend with an auto immune disease to see if she had ever tried the diet since some of the so called "experts" recommend the diet for people with auto immune diseases. This friend told me that she had heard of the diet because her father had actually found it and committed her to try it. She said it was a lot of work to do all the cooking but after about two months she got sick and had to discontinue it. I came across some additional information that really turned me off to the idea so I decided to delete my post.

You don't have to search too hard to find examples of people testifying of how their health and weight have improved after committing to more fully living the Word of Wisdom. There is this lady and then this one and this one and I am sure there are plenty of others.

I have also found this website nutritionfacts.org were Dr. Greger reads all the latest medical journals and studies, to dumb down the information for the rest of us. One of the reasons I like this website is because what he shares helps me see more clearly the benefits and reasons why the Word of Wisdom works. I like that he points out all the problems when certain industries like the meat, dairy, soda, etc. pay for studies that come out with very skewed, contradictory and downright misleading information. Then the soda industry will claim that Coca Cola is nutritious because it contains water. The Word of Wisdom even says, "Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation". Dr. Greger works off of donations and doesn't try to sell anything which is also very important to me.

I was thinking about my dad today. He passed away when I was 14. He had heart attacks and a stroke along with diabetes, and finally Alzheimer's before he passed away at 72 years of age. I believe his death certificate said that his cause of his death was blood poisoning which I can only guess stemmed from his other problems. The solution my dad had for his problems was sage brush. Yes, you heard me right, sage brush. He would go out into Utah's dried out desert fields with garbage bags and gather up the stuff. Then he would bring it back to our home, blend it up to a powder and we would help him stuff capsules with the eraser of a pencil, for him to take later. For him it was an answer to his prayer and he very faithfully did all he could do to get more sage brush into his diet.

Well I guess I am like my dad in that way. I want simple solutions and easy quick fix answers to my problems. I will try ANYTHING within reason to feel better. Now I am wondering how things would have been different if my father had just committed to live more strictly by the Word of Wisdom. I am not sure that he would still be alive today but I am sure he would have suffered much less pain, surgery and medical expenses.

The bottom line is that I am a little disappointed in myself that I haven't had the faith to just trust in the Lord's Word of Wisdom to begin with. After all, I know that "There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated— And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated." (D&C 130) This is my commitment from here on out, that I will never talk about any new diet craze or hyped up supplement or fad ever again, unless it is completely in line with the Word of Wisdom. Period! Just for the record I am not trying to lose weight. I am trying to be healthier and have less medical problems and less digestive issues, although weight loss is almost always associated with a plant based diet.