Utah Life

I can say that I am finally feeling settled here in Utah. I have moved everything out of storage, I found a great place to live with a great roommate, a great car that I saved almost $4,000 on, a great three piece bedroom set for $250 and I think by next week I may even have a job offer. I found a lot of good stuff on KSL.com. I got the desk for $20. The chair, I spent too much on (3 x as much) but I loved it and it was perfect for the small space I have for it.

Then there is my car a 2013 Sonata. It was a repossessed car that had a book value of $12,000 and I got it for $8,000 out the door. Yes, it has a salvaged title, but I love it. Moe was a huge help for me, picking it up in Provo when I was in Minnesota. No accidents, just owned by a person who for whatever reason couldn't pay their bills. I just hope they changed their oil every now and then. 

I have also had two interviews with England Logistics for their Cash Applications Team Lead. They don't seem to have any trouble telling me that they like me and have been trying to sell me on working for their company. I think it could be a good fit. It is only a 15 minute drive but this job comes with much less in the way of benefits than I am used to. Hopefully they will offer me the job next week, and hopefully I can negotiate more benefits. 

Now that I am back, I am reminded of some of the reasons I left. I am still grateful for the friends I have here and that I am able to connect with them again, but the singles life leaves a little to be desired. I ran into a friend at FHE last Monday that I have known for 12 years or more. I don't think either of us have been interested in dating each other at any point in time. I think because of that we were able to have a very candid conversation about dating. The topic must have come up after I saw him texting his girlfriend who replied with a lot of 👄👄👄👄👄👄👄👄 lips. Haha!

The lesson at FHE was about addiction. It was obviously a topic that some in the group were passionate about. I am sure I have had my addictions but I never thought that they were THAT serious (as in keep me out of the temple serious). I was wondering why we even needed to talk about it. 

When the lesson was over Lance (we'll call him) decided to give me some dating advice. I am curious how other men feel about what he said. He said that 99% of the men at church in the mid-singles wards are single for a reason and a lot of it has to do with addictions that they have not been able to overcome. They feel so worthless that they don't even try to have serious relationships. 

He said that he has asked for girls numbers and taken them out in the past just because he wanted to boost his self esteem. He wasn't asking them out because he wanted to create an eternal family. He said that he basically has just been using women to help him out with his own insecurities. 

Lance said  that most girls he knows are near perfect (as in not having insecurities or addictions) and these girls expect to find a guy that has overcome his own issues, but the guys just feel like they are never going to  measure up. He said that when he talks to girls he immediately wonders how they will judge him and he said that the best thing I could do is try to calm a guys insecurities and somehow let him know that I don't expect perfection. Also to let him know if he has any issues I would be willing to help him through the issues and be there to support him.

The truth though as I see it is that women have issues too. women are also looking for the love and support from a guy to accept them as they are and help them to over come their challenges and insecurities too. I wouldn't ever claim to be without issues. I also don't believe that one sided relationships work out so well. In conclusion, aren't we all broken and don't we all just want someone to love us? Yet our fears and insecurities keep us from making the human connection that we all crave. 

This brings me to the last thought on my mind, love. When did we forget how to love each other? I often think of the scripture in Matthew 24:12, "And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold."

I have been hearing too many stories of couples breaking up because the men want a hotter girlfriend or because they just aren't excited enough to marry her after they have been dating three years. Where is the love ya'll? Is that how you go through life? Are you so drowning in your own insecurities that you have no capacity to love or serve another person? You just want a hot girlfriend because then she would make all of your insecurities go away? Too many questions and not enough answers. I'll just let you stew on that.

I am grateful for friends that I can have candid conversations with about this mess of confusion we call life and dating. I guess after just watching the movie Taken that I will just count my blessings that I haven't been sold into the sex trade. 

Singles Conference

I went to the Salt Lake Mid-Singles conference and it made the wheels in my head turn a little bit. That is usually a good thing. The most enjoyable part for me was listening to the speakers and running into old friends.

Our morning keynote speaker was Rudy Ruettiger. He was the man that the movie Rudy was based on. He said that he worked for 10 years trying to get that movie made. It was nice to hear that he joined the church six months ago and he seems to be doing well in his membership. He said that we should never preach with our words, only with our actions. That is what he always told the missionaries that were teaching him. 

Someone asked him when he became a dreamer, I suppose because the movie is in large measure about chasing your dreams. He said that you have to be really careful who you share your dreams with because people will try to tell you that they are unrealistic and that you can never accomplish what you want. He said that he was in the navy with a guy who never doubted his dreams and never asked why he had dreams, he only asked when he planned to accomplish his dreams. It really made me think how often I have doubted my dreams and never set dates to accomplish my dreams. We waste too much time with out doubts and inactivity until the chance is past. 

My roommate had Rudy saved on Plex so I watched it last night. Yes, that was the first time I had ever watched that movie. There really is something to be said about chasing your dreams and putting in the hard work. It is also nice to see the people that believed in Rudy and encouraged him along the way, amid so many who doubted him. 

Then I heard from Janine Gilbert on the deliberate life, writing your own story. I may share more about what she had to say after she emails me back with the quotes she used in her presentation. 

I then listened to Matt Townsend and I am pretty sure he was my favorite speaker. He recorded both of his messages and they can be found here and here. He also told us that he shared a message for the Church through Hope Works...

I attended the second session which he told us was the best anyway. He really packed a lot of information into his presentation. The thing I left thinking about the most was, when I am making decisions, am I making them with my spiritual self, my mental self or my physical self. He talked about how there can be no confusion when we are in the presence of The Father or The Son and we need to make sure we are making decisions with our spirits because that is the state we have been in longer than the body. He also talked about how much God just wants us to love each other and how hard it is for him when we fight and hurt each other. At least that is what I got out of it. 

He also made me scratch my head when he said that The Adversary is the father of our minds. He said that when Adam and Eve partook of the fruit, their eyes were opened. He was the one who helped initiate that process. I suppose as such he is constantly trying to manipulate our minds. This is why it is so important to make decisions with our spirits. The adversary just likes to confuse us and the members of the Godhead just want to illuminate us. There were also plenty of laughs in the classes and I am so grateful that he shares so much with so many for little or no cost.

That is all for now, I just have to get back to finding a job now that I am feeling settled back in Salt Lake City. Whahooooo!

Unemployed

I had my first day of unemployment yesterday in more than 10 years! Unfortunately, I think I could get used to this. Time to party this summer. Maybe by the end of the summer I will decide if I am heading back to work or if I am ready to study some more. Not ready to think too hard about that yet.

Victory at the Doctor's Office

So back at the end of December I declared war on my cholesterol. It was at 202 and that bothered me since I thought I ate pretty healthy. It also bothered me because I have been learning more about all the ways high cholesterol can be harmful for our bodies. Granted 202 isn't terribly high but I wanted it lower. I also found it interesting that babies are born with levels between 30 and 70.

I went to the doctor today and I was pleased to see that my numbers have come down from 202 to 151! The only bad news is that my good cholesterol was low and he said that I could get that up by excising more. Time to hit the gym I guess. If I die young it will not be my fault.

Ultra

Somehow I stumbled upon this book, "Finding Ultra". Not sure what it was that drew me to this book, maybe I liked the idea that a man that was so out of shape around 40 years of age that he couldn't even walk up a flight of steps without getting winded was able to run an Ultraman race two years later and be called one of the fittest men in the world. Almost makes you think that there is hope for just about everyone out there to change their lives with diet and exercise. I ordered the book to have something to read on my flights to Paris, but I have been unable to stop reading it.

As I go through the book I realize that I had a lot of false ideas as I started to read his memoir. I was thinking that the message was that if you eat SUPER healthy, that somehow you will have so much energy that you are bouncing off the walls and need to compete in races just so you can sleep at night. Don't I wish that were true. The point is and the point he makes in this video is that there really are no shortcuts and that success really boils down to unrelenting hard work and commitment.

The other thing that has surprised me was when the coach he hired to help him train for his races has to keep telling him to slow down. Starting out his training he and I both thought that he would just have to keep pushing himself to the limit until he finally started to make some gains, but his coach would not let him raise his heart rate above 140 beats per minute.

During his climb to the top he had some pretty great cheerleaders in his life. His wife always encouraged him to follow his dreams even if it meant that there was little financial stability for their family of six. His father who had earlier in his life told him that he didn't want to talk to him until he turned his life around (due to his alcoholism) drove the crew van during his first Ultraman and was brought to tears and told him how proud he was of what he had done. His children were there during the race to make sure he had water and all the supplies he needed for the race. In the end when he crossed the finish line he was just sad that he didn't invite more family members to be there with him after he crossed the finish line.

The bottom line I guess is that stories like this aren't just about finishing a race. They are metaphors for life. There is the overcoming, the redemption, the importance of loving support, the hard work that finally pays off, the never giving up and the not running faster than you have strength while still pushing yourself to improve.

Kind of just makes me want to quit my job and follow my dreams even if I am not sure what they are yet. ;) What I do know is that I need to slow down and stop appeasing my fears.

An Impression

I stumbled upon a documentary on PBS last night about Dorothea Lange. Sadly I haven't watched too many documentaries lately. I just saw this picture and I wanted to know more.

The interesting thing about the photo is that she almost didn't take it. She wanted to get somewhere and she passed up the camp where this woman was living. A thought or a voice in her head said, "Aren't you going to go visit that camp?" She said she instinctively turned her car around. She took seven or eight photos at the camp and sent the film to the state of California to be developed. She didn't make royalties off of this photo and came to believe that the photo belonged to the people.

Her interest was in documenting the human condition and wanted to be the conscience of Americans. She wanted to change the world through her work. Although she worked up to 20 hours a day operating her own portrait studio as she began to make her way in the world, she was more interested in real working people and documenting their struggles. She was able to document many important events in history. She lived though the great depression and was more interested in taking photos of breadlines than the work she was doing in her studio. She worked with her husband to document the dust bowl and the rush of many farmers to California. 

She also was hired by the US government to document the Japanese internment camps. They wanted her to take pictures showing the camps as lovely places but when they saw the photographs she took, she was fired immediately. She saw herself as an artist and wanted to document the things as they really were. For this reason she didn't want to bow to the demands of the government and didn't think artists should have to bow to the requirements of advertisers either.

She believed that people needed to learn to see. This from a woman who regularly saw her photos from black and white negatives. People needed to see more than just the face value of something. They needed to understand things on an emotional level as well. Sometimes her work would make her sick to her stomach. It was hard for her to see how troubled some people in the world were. I guess that means she was a woman with great empathy for people.

She had many struggles in her life. She had polio as a child and walked with a limp for the rest of her life. Her father abandoned her family when she was 12 years old. When she was a young woman she was set to travel the world with a friend, but as they were about to leave, they were pick-pocketed and lost all of the money they saved for their trip. She lived through the great depression. In the end she struggled with bleeding ulcers, post polio syndrome and finally died of esophageal cancer at the age of 70.

Did I mention she worked hard? Her photographs were taken in 30 states and at 63 she traveled the world with her husband to take more (hopefully this helped make up for the trip she missed in her youth). She made the trip when her doctor's didn't know if she would survive till the end of it.

At the end of her life she was asked to prepare an exhibition of her life's work in New York. She wanted everything to be perfect and it gave her a reason to sort through all of her negatives and keep fighting for her life. Make's me wonder what I would have to showcase for my life's work. She died three months before the exhibition and her last words were, "Isn't it a miracle? It comes at the right time."

Well what can I say except Dorothea has left an impression on me. Although we have our differences, I feel like I can relate to her in many ways. I know that I would rather have the capability of feeling and understanding deeply rather than feeling numb even when life is painful. I too want to see the world as it really is instead of perfectly posed portraiture. I guess that is why I enjoy and often choose documentaries over blockbusters. 

She has helped me to see more clearly that we all want freedom in our lives, but if we live our lives free of pain, heartache, rules, laws or restrictions, we would remain bound by own own ignorance and inexperience. 

Skydive 2017

I feel like I need to write about my skydiving experience before I forget some of the details. First of all I think I need to address why I decided to skydive. It isn't something that has been on my bucket list for many years, it is something I considered doing a month or two ago when the subject came up at work and Khetty our intern said she wanted to go before she had to head back to the Philippines.

Also, my 39th birthday last year was pretty pathetic. I had low expectations. I just moved to Hawaii two months prior and I didn't really have any friends here. I told myself that my 40th birthday would be better. I tried to guilt my sister Cate and her family into coming to visit, even though she is petrified of flying, but for many reasons that was not a possibility.

My friends Heather and Ester wanted to come and celebrate but Ester couldn't get out of work till the Boise Temple closes in May. Doors were closing everywhere for an exciting time and although I have made some good friends out here, I needed to do something epic for the big day. I don't think I would have done it alone although looking back at the experience I wonder why I can't just go and enjoy the beauties of this island without having company with me. I can not deny it is always good to have people to share experiences with. It also probably helped to have someone there to take my mind off what was about to happen.

If you ask Khetty she would admit that I had the best team to work with. John my tandem was very personable which is VERY important when you are putting your life in someone else's hands. He was also very experienced. He had been skydiving with his friends since he was 18 and he was now retired military. He showed me his parachute, how it was set to tandem and told me that even if he were to go unconscious his chute would still open. He asked me all about my job and kept me talking to take my mind off what was about to happen. He was also happy to answer any of my questions but didn't talk about anything that would freak me out. John was probably around six feet tall, perhaps a little taller which helped me to feel safe and also told me that he was strong enough to drag me out of the plane if he needed to. He also had to be strong enough to hold both of us steady as we exited the plane at 100 MPH.

My photographer was Alden. If he was taller than me it wasn't by much which may have been a good thing since his cameras were mounted to the top of his helmet. He had one for photographs and one for video both go pros. I was also glad that I wasn't strapped to him. Kind of a shame that I don't have any pictures of Alden, since he did such a great job.

The whole time, I think I was thinking that I just had to get on the plane because John would get me off the plane. I just didn't think about it and when I did, I just tried to joke about it so I didn't freak myself out.

Then I have to laugh at my own stupid jokes.

We got on the plane and straddled these long benches seated backwards, so we would be facing the right way to exit the plane out the back. First on last off. I was glad I was on almost last so I didn't have to watch too many people go off before me. You don't want to be last though because then you have to sit on the floor like Khetty. Her tandem and our two photographers were also without seats.

Khetty was the first one off the plane. I was glad I got to watch her go and that I wasn't first but I was also glad I wasn't last. I was off third behind the Asian girl seated next to me.

Before we got on the plane Khetty kept looking in the mirror to make sure she looked cute. I learned a few things with this experience, one is that it is almost impossible to look cute when you are skydiving. Your hair will not cooperate unless it is about a half inch long and your cheeks flap a lot in the wind. I never got used to all the wind in my face. Maybe I just need to go a few more times. ;) I kept trying to push the air down like in this next photo. If you use your imagination I am just doing a push-up on the clouds.

I am grateful my tandem had a helmet for two reasons, one is that it kept my braids from whacking him in the face and the other reason is that his crazy hair doesn't distract you from my crazy hair. John was also smart enough to tighten my goggles down to an uncomfortable level so they didn't come off in the descent and then he let me know as soon as I could take them off.

I also learned a few things about myself with this experience. I learned that I make a lot of faces for the camera, I say yes a lot, and if I just don't think about or dwell on scary things they don't bother me as much.