Praying with Stipulations

So I have been trying to decide if I should buy a town home and there have been some issues in the process that made me want to back out. It happened pretty fast and I was feeling a little anxious about it and wondering if I should go through with it. I fasted and went to the temple to pray about it. Mostly I was worried that it wouldn't be a good financial investment and that I would be safe there. I wanted Heavenly Father to tell me to back out if I was going to lose money on this deal in the end.

I wanted it to be easy, painless and without any problems. Looking back I wonder how many of my prayers come with stipulations. I remember once praying for humility and the thought flashed into my mind, "You're going to get in a car accident." I quickly clarified my prayer, "but just don't put me through a car accident. Anything to humble me but that." I believe it was within a week, I totaled my car.

While I was in the temple I was reading about Joseph Smith and the questions he prayed about. Then I thought about how much opposition he went through. I wondered what would have happened if he prayed, "Help me to know the truth, as long as it isn't hard, painful, stressful, humiliating, emotionally draining, or heart wrenching. Just help me and my family be comfortable, financially secure and full of joy all the time.

My sister was telling me about a christian radio station she was listening to many years ago and a guy calling in said, "We have to understand that if we pray for something like patience, faith or humility, we are going to have to pick up the other end of that stick. If we pray for patience we are probably going to have an experience that tests our patience. If we pray for greater faith we will likely have an experience that tries our faith. If we pray for humility, we will likely have a humbling experience."

I guess that is a part of faith. We have to say, help me gain these characteristics, or help me grow and not have it be based on feeling swell all the time. We just can't limit the Lord's blessings with our stipulations.

This isn't to say that painful experiences are always necessary for growth. The Lord has told us that any trials we endure shall be for our good (D&C 122) but I know that he doesn't needlessly throw a wrench in our lives for fun. We can always seek the Lord's blessings through obedience to his commandments.

This isn't to also say that we shouldn't pray about big decisions, but perhaps in our prayers we should be focused on spiritual growth and other blessings without limiting what the Lord is able to do with us based on our stipulations.

I know with the town home I owned previously it didn't turn out to be the best financial investment but it brought people into my life that were probably more important than an expanding bank account.

Blessed

I feel like I shouldn't let a Thanksgiving go by without saying what I am grateful for. I am grateful to God for his love, the plan he prepared and that he sent us his son. I am grateful for Jesus and the example and teacher he was. That he was obedient to the Father's plan and that He brought about the redemption of mankind.

I am grateful for good family that know me so well and support me in all my needs. I am grateful for their love and the relationships we have built throughout the years. I am grateful that they long to spend time with me when I am away and we always have a joyful reunion. I am grateful that I get to go and see them again for Christmas.

I am grateful for so many good friends that show their love to me over and over again. I am grateful for their support, that they care how I am doing and what is going on in my life. I am grateful for a wonderful roommate that is always on the go and loves to plan fun activities and drags me along to her fun much of the time.

I am grateful for a great house to live in, that I am close to my work and church. I am grateful for a good ward that I was lucky enough to move into the boundaries of. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and how it has changed me and made me a better person.

I am grateful for God given good food that nourishes my body and gives me strength and energy. I am grateful for good health and a capable body. I am grateful for my education and how it has allowed me to grow in my career. I am grateful to have found a job that is such a good fit for my skills and abilities and I am grateful that I am slowly starting to understand my job functions better.

I am grateful for good dance music and how it makes me move and dance. I am grateful for my roller-blades and that I have a park nearby with a great path to skate on.

I am grateful for vitamin D and how it improves my mood and helps me sleep deep. I am grateful for the things I have learned about health and how it has helped me better understand what is happening in my own body.

I am grateful that I was able to pick up and move to Hawaii and have fun adventures there and fun trips with good friends. My trip to France was amazing. I am so glad I took that opportunity. I am grateful that I was able to see what it was like to jump out of a plane this last year and despite signing an eight page waiver form, I was able to survive.

I am grateful for the winter holidays and how they give us something to look forward to, a break from work and time with family and friends.

This list probably could be more exhaustive but I am also grateful for a good nights sleep and I need to go get ready for that.

A Law Unto Itself

I was messaging a "friend" from Hawaii. Friend is in quotation marks because we have many differences and there is a huge gap between how we choose to live our lives. He was raised in a very strict and sheltered Christian home. When he got out on his own, he experimented with everything that was previously forbidden.

You can tell that there is a lot about his life that he can't reconcile.  His belief in God with his rebellious life. I have teased him about how he has Mormon envy and he agreed with me. He has at least two other LDS friends that I can tell he respects. I think he has a hard time understanding how a people can live their convictions despite their temptations and be happy about it. He can't seem to understand our dedication or our love for God.

As we were chatting, he went on and on and on about how happy he was in his sinful life (my words not his). I would add little comments about how I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I wanted the conversation to be over because, he seemed to think that his opinion was the only one that mattered. He was trying to convince me that I would be so happy and free if I just lived like he did. I interjected that I would remember what he said when I was standing before God to be judged of him. I just wanted him to see a different perspective.

How does he seem to be so happy about his life when the thought of it just makes me sick and sorry for him?

I thought about him at Institute class tonight when we were learning about the three degrees of glory and we read Doctrine and Covenants 88:34:35...

And again, verily I say unto you, that which is governed by law is also preserved by law and perfected and sanctified by the same.

That which breaketh a law, and abideth not by law, but seeketh to become a law unto itself, and willeth to abide in sin, and altogether abideth in sin, cannot be sanctified by law, neither by mercy, justice, nor judgment. Therefore, they must remain filthy still.

There is a lot there to ponder and I am not sure I can unpack it all right now. To me this scripture talks about how as we are governed by law, it sanctifies and perfects us. This with the aid of the atonement we are changed. If we do not allow the law to change us by living it, we will set our will as the law. Our desires rule over us. If we take our own path, we will not be changed or cleansed by following our own desires. We will not progress, grow or learn. Seems like such an awful state of being to me. In the mean time I will just feel sorry for all he doesn't see, when I am sure he feels exactly the same way about me.

Turning - into +

So I'm getting a little more management experience under my belt. Sometimes I need to remember it is better to keep my lips zipped and the less I say sometimes the better.

I had to plan a team building activity. I wanted to focus on the fact that there was a bit of negativity coming from one employee that was a little contagious to others. I wanted to do this without calling her out in front of everyone else or making it too obvious that I wanted her to change her attitude. I certainly prayed about it because I knew if this went wrong it could go terribly wrong.

We did a get to know you activity were we answered questions about ourselves, and that was fine. Maybe more of an ice breaker than anything else.

Then I had the 6 of of them pair up and share a negative experience they had with each other. They were told that they were going to have to relate the experience of the other person, so they would probably want to take notes. There was quite the somber feeling in the room. One guy talked about how he had fallen down the stairs and pinched a nerve so he couldn't walk normal and how he had to have surgery to get things to be better. One girl talked about how she found out that her family has been having dinner with all the members of the family and she and her husband have not been invited. I also heard a guy talk about how things went horribly wrong on his flight to Hawaii for his honeymoon.

Then I told them that they needed to tell the stories but they couldn't say anything negative. They could only share the positive things that happened during or came from the experience. The mood instantly changed and we were all laughing so hard.

The guy who told the story about the accident said. "He is alive today, and he walks better than he used to. The story about the girl with the family dinner just said, "She got invited to dinner with her family." Lastly, the guy who had a bad flight, his story changed to just be that he got to go to Hawaii on his honeymoon.

We were just laughing because everyone was being a little obnoxious about it and all the bad feelings just went away. It went way better than I was expecting and I got a lot of good feedback too. I think my boss's boss may be stealing my ideas because he asked for the list of questions I used and he told me in an email how glad he was that I had come to work for them.

Whether or not this will have any lasting impressions, I don't know. Sometimes I think we just need to remember that if there is nothing we can do about a situation, we can always decide what we are going to focus on and how we are going to let it affect us. We also need to remember to take our focus off the past and work to make our futures better. Nothing good comes from dwelling on a bad experience unless we just want to make sure the experience doesn't happen again.

Utah Life

I can say that I am finally feeling settled here in Utah. I have moved everything out of storage, I found a great place to live with a great roommate, a great car that I saved almost $4,000 on, a great three piece bedroom set for $250 and I think by next week I may even have a job offer. I found a lot of good stuff on KSL.com. I got the desk for $20. The chair, I spent too much on (3 x as much) but I loved it and it was perfect for the small space I have for it.

Then there is my car a 2013 Sonata. It was a repossessed car that had a book value of $12,000 and I got it for $8,000 out the door. Yes, it has a salvaged title, but I love it. Moe was a huge help for me, picking it up in Provo when I was in Minnesota. No accidents, just owned by a person who for whatever reason couldn't pay their bills. I just hope they changed their oil every now and then. 

I have also had two interviews with England Logistics for their Cash Applications Team Lead. They don't seem to have any trouble telling me that they like me and have been trying to sell me on working for their company. I think it could be a good fit. It is only a 15 minute drive but this job comes with much less in the way of benefits than I am used to. Hopefully they will offer me the job next week, and hopefully I can negotiate more benefits. 

Now that I am back, I am reminded of some of the reasons I left. I am still grateful for the friends I have here and that I am able to connect with them again, but the singles life leaves a little to be desired. I ran into a friend at FHE last Monday that I have known for 12 years or more. I don't think either of us have been interested in dating each other at any point in time. I think because of that we were able to have a very candid conversation about dating. The topic must have come up after I saw him texting his girlfriend who replied with a lot of 👄👄👄👄👄👄👄👄 lips. Haha!

The lesson at FHE was about addiction. It was obviously a topic that some in the group were passionate about. I am sure I have had my addictions but I never thought that they were THAT serious (as in keep me out of the temple serious). I was wondering why we even needed to talk about it. 

When the lesson was over Lance (we'll call him) decided to give me some dating advice. I am curious how other men feel about what he said. He said that 99% of the men at church in the mid-singles wards are single for a reason and a lot of it has to do with addictions that they have not been able to overcome. They feel so worthless that they don't even try to have serious relationships. 

He said that he has asked for girls numbers and taken them out in the past just because he wanted to boost his self esteem. He wasn't asking them out because he wanted to create an eternal family. He said that he basically has just been using women to help him out with his own insecurities. 

Lance said  that most girls he knows are near perfect (as in not having insecurities or addictions) and these girls expect to find a guy that has overcome his own issues, but the guys just feel like they are never going to  measure up. He said that when he talks to girls he immediately wonders how they will judge him and he said that the best thing I could do is try to calm a guys insecurities and somehow let him know that I don't expect perfection. Also to let him know if he has any issues I would be willing to help him through the issues and be there to support him.

The truth though as I see it is that women have issues too. women are also looking for the love and support from a guy to accept them as they are and help them to over come their challenges and insecurities too. I wouldn't ever claim to be without issues. I also don't believe that one sided relationships work out so well. In conclusion, aren't we all broken and don't we all just want someone to love us? Yet our fears and insecurities keep us from making the human connection that we all crave. 

This brings me to the last thought on my mind, love. When did we forget how to love each other? I often think of the scripture in Matthew 24:12, "And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold."

I have been hearing too many stories of couples breaking up because the men want a hotter girlfriend or because they just aren't excited enough to marry her after they have been dating three years. Where is the love ya'll? Is that how you go through life? Are you so drowning in your own insecurities that you have no capacity to love or serve another person? You just want a hot girlfriend because then she would make all of your insecurities go away? Too many questions and not enough answers. I'll just let you stew on that.

I am grateful for friends that I can have candid conversations with about this mess of confusion we call life and dating. I guess after just watching the movie Taken that I will just count my blessings that I haven't been sold into the sex trade. 

Singles Conference

I went to the Salt Lake Mid-Singles conference and it made the wheels in my head turn a little bit. That is usually a good thing. The most enjoyable part for me was listening to the speakers and running into old friends.

Our morning keynote speaker was Rudy Ruettiger. He was the man that the movie Rudy was based on. He said that he worked for 10 years trying to get that movie made. It was nice to hear that he joined the church six months ago and he seems to be doing well in his membership. He said that we should never preach with our words, only with our actions. That is what he always told the missionaries that were teaching him. 

Someone asked him when he became a dreamer, I suppose because the movie is in large measure about chasing your dreams. He said that you have to be really careful who you share your dreams with because people will try to tell you that they are unrealistic and that you can never accomplish what you want. He said that he was in the navy with a guy who never doubted his dreams and never asked why he had dreams, he only asked when he planned to accomplish his dreams. It really made me think how often I have doubted my dreams and never set dates to accomplish my dreams. We waste too much time with out doubts and inactivity until the chance is past. 

My roommate had Rudy saved on Plex so I watched it last night. Yes, that was the first time I had ever watched that movie. There really is something to be said about chasing your dreams and putting in the hard work. It is also nice to see the people that believed in Rudy and encouraged him along the way, amid so many who doubted him. 

Then I heard from Janine Gilbert on the deliberate life, writing your own story. I may share more about what she had to say after she emails me back with the quotes she used in her presentation. 

I then listened to Matt Townsend and I am pretty sure he was my favorite speaker. He recorded both of his messages and they can be found here and here. He also told us that he shared a message for the Church through Hope Works...

I attended the second session which he told us was the best anyway. He really packed a lot of information into his presentation. The thing I left thinking about the most was, when I am making decisions, am I making them with my spiritual self, my mental self or my physical self. He talked about how there can be no confusion when we are in the presence of The Father or The Son and we need to make sure we are making decisions with our spirits because that is the state we have been in longer than the body. He also talked about how much God just wants us to love each other and how hard it is for him when we fight and hurt each other. At least that is what I got out of it. 

He also made me scratch my head when he said that The Adversary is the father of our minds. He said that when Adam and Eve partook of the fruit, their eyes were opened. He was the one who helped initiate that process. I suppose as such he is constantly trying to manipulate our minds. This is why it is so important to make decisions with our spirits. The adversary just likes to confuse us and the members of the Godhead just want to illuminate us. There were also plenty of laughs in the classes and I am so grateful that he shares so much with so many for little or no cost.

That is all for now, I just have to get back to finding a job now that I am feeling settled back in Salt Lake City. Whahooooo!

Unemployed

I had my first day of unemployment yesterday in more than 10 years! Unfortunately, I think I could get used to this. Time to party this summer. Maybe by the end of the summer I will decide if I am heading back to work or if I am ready to study some more. Not ready to think too hard about that yet.